Ready Jokes / Recent Jokes

What girls say and their real meanings (in parentheses)
1) Can't we just be friends?
(There is no way in hell i am going to let any part of your body touch any part of my body again.)
2) I just need some space.
(..... without you in it.)
3) Can you help me with my homework?
(If I keep whinning, the fool will do it for me.)
4) Do I look fat in this dress?
(We haven't had a fight for a while.)
5) No, pizza's fine.
(Cheap bastard.)
6) I just do not need a boyfriend now.
(I just do not want you as a boyfriend.)
7) I don't know; what do you want to do?
(I can't believe that you have nothing planned.)
8) Come here.
(My puppy does this too.)
9) I like you but.........
(I don't like you.)
10) You never listen.
(You never listen.)
11) We're moving too quickly.
(I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy in Bio has a girlfriend.)
12) I'll be ready in a more...

The head psychiatrist at a local mental hospital was examining patients to see whether they were ready to re-enter society.
"Well, John," the doctor said to one of the patients, "I see by your chart that you have been recommended for dismissal. Have you given any thought to what you might do once you are released?"
John thought for a few moments, then replied, "I did go to school for mechanical engineering. That still appears to be a good field which pays well. Then again, I was even thinking about writing a book about my experiences as a patient here. There may be a lot of people who would be interested in reading a book like that. I may even go back to college and study art history. I've grown quite interested in that lately."
"They all sound like very intriguing possibilities," the doctor said.
"Thank you," replied John. "and the best part is, in my spare time, I can continue to be a teapot."

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.
The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?
She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts,' 'Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the brunette yells,' 'EARTHQUAKE!!!'' Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts,' 'Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the redhead yells,' 'TORNADO!!!'' Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells,' 'FIRE!!!'''

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and she says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," he replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits.
Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?
She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

The following information was gained through much arduous research
involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It
consists of the most often asked questions of women (i. e..
relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are
encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their
behavior in accordance with the truths established below.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it
comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're
not emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to
remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that more...

A man has six children and is overly proud of his achievement. So proud, in fact, that in spite of his wife's objections, he begins to call her "Mother of Six".
While they are at a party one evening, he decides that it is time to leave and wants to find out if his wife is ready to go as well. Shouting at the top of his lungs, he says "Mother of Six, shall we go home?"
Infuriated by her husband's lack of discretion, he wife shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"