Real Jokes / Recent Jokes

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. .. it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms more...

Prelude:
Here it is! The REAL Windows FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) Version 4. 2e! The authors are still searching for more Windows/Microsoft/Bill Gates related experiences, short stories, origins and other jokes. Please send them to the support site mentioned at the end of this document.

01. Novice-Question: How do I recognize Windows?
If your screen is invaded by countless silly little icons no one is able to understand, if your computers speed is reduced to almost zero, if your hard disk is full, if you can't start your normal programs anymore, then indeed you have made the fatal mistake of acquiring Microsoft Windows!
02. Virgin-Questions: What exactly is Windows? Why do I need Windows?
Windows is a form of modern warfare. It's yet another attempt of the electronics industry to rape and destroy the minds of its unsuspecting victims. And of course you don't need Windows. It needs you. Bill Gates needs you to buy it to get even more rich and more...

Twas the "NET" before Christmas
When all through our house,
Not a creature was typing
nor moving a mouse.
Our Monitors hummed
and were glowing within,
In hopes that Saint Nicholas
would soon "Modem" in.
The teenagers were crashed
in their messy bedrooms,
and dreaming of boxes
With games such as Doom.
Mom back from aerobics
and done kissing me,
We just settled in for some
much needed ZZZ's.
When in the home office
there arose such a din,
I shot down the stairs,
Had the fax just come in??
Away to my keyboard
I leaped to my chair,
Typed in my password...
But no Fax was there!!
My screen came alive
it was wildly aglow,
The hard drive went crunching
The "One and the "O."
When what my bifocaled eyes
should I see,
But a Brand New Web Browser
not AT&T.
From server so rapid
(not one on the slates)
That I thought for a more...

Ebonics Version of Windows' 98 Ebonics Version of Windows' 98 Debuts!
Microsoft has announced that its special Ebonics version of Windows 98, titled "It be a fresh Window." It has been leaked to several suburbs, causing confusion for unsuspecting users.
There are numerous differences between Windows 98 and the Ebonics version.
When opening the Ebonics version, the familiar windows chime is replaced With a "phat getto track that melts' em down wit dope-ass bass," The opening screen features a Windows logo that is spray painted on a brick wall - along with several gangsta signs, slogans and shout outs.
On the main screen, My Computer is replaced with "Dis My Shit."
The Recycle Bin has been replaced with a Goodwill dumpster.
If users are logged on to a network, the Network Neighborhood is replaced With "Da Hood."
Users have their choice of two animated screen savers: "Marquee," a lil' G spray- painting more...

An Irishman by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day.

He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.

The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband and protested vehemently about his cheapness.

"It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."

Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will take five days when the programmer is in a hurry.
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Progress may have been all right once, but it went on too long.
Project Management is like pushing a wheelbarrow of frogs to market.
Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and still come out ahead.
Quality assurance doesn't.
Quit while your still behind.
Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a matter of principle.
Real programmers don't announce how many times the operations department called them last night.

There's the story of a newly rich Punjabi couple who, having come into money, were forever boasting of their acquisitions: a brand new imported car (not a second-hand one), video-cassettes, hi-fi original paintings.' And, of course, our food is always cooked in ash ghee,' said the wife proudly,' no dalda shalda in our kitchen.' Once while holidaying at Juhu Beach in Mumbai, the husband went out of his depth and was just saved from drowning. A doctor was quickly summoned.' Nothing to worry,' exclaimed the medico,' I will give him artificial respiration and he will be all right in a jiffy.'' No you won't,' said the wife.' For my husband it Will have to be real respiration or nothing.'