Realize Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

6. You strike a match and light your nose.

7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"

9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.

10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.

13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.

15. You pick up a roll, and butter your more...

You see the world with one eye and stock images with the other.
When asked what the primary colors are, answer "RGB"
You get the urge to 'fix' poor quality images.
You start teaching your significant other to use this "evil" program and in the space of one afternoon convince them it's at least only quasi-evil in the face of PSP.
You ramble about a breakthrough in the piece you're doing to people who have no idea in hell what you're talking about
You ponder the meaning of existence without layers.
You never leave the house without a digicam and notepad.
You drop something and your brain tells you automatically "Ctrl-Z! Ctrl-Z!". When you realize it won't work, your brain tells you "Ctrl-Alt-Z! Ctrl-Alt-Z!"
You're getting dressed for something important and you look in the mirror and realize you would look so much better if you could just tweak the levels a little and apply a slight gaussian blur.
You stop on more...

1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off.

2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you,but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY?

3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside?

4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to upset us! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your buddy list, OK?

5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up and go read a good book?!

6. You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members names?

7. You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain more...

Your co-worker tells you they have eight body piercings - and none
are visible.
When someone says "tenderloin" - you don't think steak. You think
danger.
You make well over $100,000 and you still can't find a nice place
to live.
You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent.
You keep a list of companies to boycott.
You would never dream of crossing a picket line.
You take the bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.
You realize there are far more Rainbow flags in the city than
California State Flags.
The guy who cuts your hair is straight, and your plumber is gay.
The woman who delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay
Lady is gay.
Old friends you haven't talked to in years suddenly call and ask
do you have a spare bedroom for a weekend?
You think anyone wearing a George Clooney haircut is visiting from
the Midwest.
You can't remember... Is pot still more...

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"

MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that more...

1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off.


2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY?


3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside?


4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to upset us! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your buddy list, OK?


5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up and go read a good book?!


6. You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members names?


7. You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is more...

Realize that no matter what you do, the grocery store check-out line you're in will always take the longest.