Receipt Jokes / Recent Jokes
IDIOTS & RETAIL
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?". Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett more...
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
Comparing Men/Women at the ATM...
Instructions for the guys:
Pull up to ATM
Insert Card
Enter PIN
Take cash, card and receipt
Drive away
Instructions for the Gals:
Pull up to ATM
Back up and pull forward to get closer
Shut off engine
Put keys in purse
Get out of car because you're too far from machine
Hunt for card in purse
Insert card
Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it
Enter PIN
Study instructions
Hit "CANCEL"
Re-enter correct PIN
Check balance
Look for envelope
Look in purse for pen
Make out deposit slip
Endorse checks
Make deposit
Study instructions
Make cash withdrawal
Get in car
Check makeup
Look for keys
Start car
Check makeup
Start pulling away
Stop
Back up to machine
Get out of car
Take card and receipt
Get back in car
Put card in wallet
Put receipt more...
A couple of days ago, I was rushing around attempting to do some last minute shopping. At the time, I was very stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season at all.
It was dark, cold and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car with the gifts I felt obligated to buy. It was then that I noticed I was missing a receipt that I might need later. Grumbling under my breath, I headed back to the mall entrance.
As I searched the pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. Upon investigating, I found that the crying was coming from a shabbily dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin, had no coat, and was only wearing an old, tattered flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Strangely enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand.
Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and more...
A local bank is very pleased to announce that they are installing
new Drive-thru ATMs where their customers will be able withdraw cash withoutleaving their vehicle.
Male and Female procedures have been
tailored to best reflect the behaviours of those particular groupings.
PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Open the car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter"
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Close window
7. Drive away
PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Open the car window
5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card
6. Turn radio down & end call on cell phone
7. Attempt to insert card into ATM
8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to more...
Instructions for the guys:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert Card
3. Enter PIN
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away
Instructions for the Gals:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it
9. Enter PIN
10. Study instructions
11. Hit "CANCEL"
12. Re-enter correct PIN
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. more...
Instructions for the guys:1. Pull up to ATM2. Insert Card3. Enter PIN4. Take cash, card and receipt5. Drive awayInstructions for the Gals:1. Pull up to ATM2. Back up and pull forward to get closer3. Shut off engine4. Put keys in purse5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine6. Hunt for card in purse7. Insert card8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it9. Enter PIN10. Study instructions11. Hit "CANCEL"12. Re-enter correct PIN13. Check balance14. Look for envelope15. Look in purse for pen16. Make out deposit slip17. Endorse checks18. Make deposit19. Study instructions20. Make cash withdrawal21. Get in car 22. Check makeup23. Look for keys24. Start car25. Check makeup26. Start pulling away27. Stop28. Back up to machine29. Get out of car30. Take card and receipt31. Get back in car32. Put card in wallet33. Put receipt in checkbook34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook36. Check makeup37. Put more...