Record Jokes / Recent Jokes

The detective was going through the criminal's rap sheet. "This is quite a record you have, hit and run, shoplifting, armed robbery, kidnapping, break and enter, rape... "
"I know." replid the criminal. "It took me quite some time to figure out what I was good at."

The New York Yankees set a record by being error-free for 18 consecutive games. The closest they've come to making an error is letting Phil Hughes pitch.

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have Eyes of Blue and A Love Supreme?" she asked. "Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children." "Is that a record?" she inquired. "I dont think so," replied the man, "but its as close as I want to get."

The last one is clearly the most expensive.

Most Expensive Car Wrecks The biggest loser?

#5. Bugatti Veyron. .. $1.6 Million
The Bugatti Veyron is the most expensive production car in history. Only 300 are expected to be produced, and already two have crashed. Above is the first one. The driver thought it was okay to speed at 100 mph in the rain. He only had the car for one week.

#4. 1959 Ferrari 250 GT TDF. .. $1.65 Million
This extremely rare classic car, the 1959 Ferrari 250 GT "Tour de France", crashed into a wall at the Shell Ferrari-Maserati Historic Challenge in 2003.

#3. Ferrari 250 GT Spyder. .. $10.9 Million
The record price for a 1961 250 GT California Spyder at auction was set on May 18, 2008 when a black one was sold for $10,894,900. So what is one doing buried in the sand? The unlucky owner had it stored near the beach when a Hurricane hit.

#2. Ferrari 250 GTO. .. $28.5 Million
The more...

A South African man has just broken the world record for the longest sustained "hard on". The old record of 17 days was smashed, when the man injected himself with Caverjet, a medication to fight erectile disfunction. The formula didn't mix to well with his bodybuilding steriods, and he wound up in a Johannesburg hospital with a 22 day boner.

A chinese restaurant owner, famous for his snake dishes was killed by two reptiles he had just decapitated. The serpents freshly severed heads were left on the kitchen bench, and as the man went to pick them up, both sank their fangs into his hands, and with their deadly venom, killed him.

3 janitors tried to get rid of a gopher at a school in California by trying to spray it to death with a solvent used to freeze chewing gum, so you can pick it up. The men used several cans to pursue the gopher, but to no avail, until one lit up a cigarette, which then blew the janitors out the room, hospitalised them and 16 more...

In the good old days of the golden oldies, most records were sold on the Decca label. Henry Busse had a hot hit titled, "Hot Lips." A lady heard the record on the radio and decided that she just had to have it. She looked up the number for the record shop and called them. Unfortunately, she misdialed and, instead of reaching the record store, she got "Hank's Auto Body." She said, "Do you have' Hot Lips' on a ten-inch Decca?" Hank, who had answered the phone himself, said, "Well, uh, ma'am, no, but I do have hot nuts under a ten-inch pecker!" A slight pause. The lady said, "Is that a record?" "I don't know, ma'am, but it's a damned good average."

Enlightenment Quiz
1. Yin and... A) Yout B) Tonic C) Yenta D) Yang
2. A Zen koan is... > A) A Jewish Buddhist B) All of the above C) None of the above D) None of the above
3. Just before total God-realization I would see... > A) A blue pearl B) Nothing C) Everything D) How would I know?
4. Lao-Tsu is... A) Shrimp with fried rice B) The Atman Brothers C) A Japanese word for sneeze D) Someone you should know about
5) Jivatman and Atman merge to become... A) Jivatmanatman B) The Atman Brothers C) Jivatman & Atman Inc. D) Mr. & Mrs. Atman
6) The word or words which best describes the relationship of God, Guru, and Self is:- A) Oneness B) Twoness C) Penpalness D) Just good friends
7) Which of the following is not a name of the Lord?> A) Jehova B) Elohim C) Yahweh D) Charlton Heston
8) If you swap a Swami with a Yogi you get... A) A Swogi B) A Salami C) Yogurt D) Heartburn
9) Carlos Castaneda is: A) A flamenco dancer B) A resort near San Juan C) A mystery more...