Relationship Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A. A woman that won't do what she's told.

A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife and said, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
"BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.
"BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.
"BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!" the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!" they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled, "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband.
"Roll out more hose," she yelled, "you're nowhere near the fire!"

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.?
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.?
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. more...

At the zoo a little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Her mom hurriedly explains, "Oh...they're just baking cakes."
The next morning the little girl says, "Mommy, Mommy, you and Daddy baked cakes last night!"
"Um, what makes you think that?" the mother asks nervously.
"Because this morning there was icing all over the couch."

The doctor came out of the operating room to talk with the man's wife. "I don't like the looks of your husband," he said.
"Neither do I," said the wife, "but he's not home much, and he's great with the kids."

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

Bob, an extremely wealthy 60-year-old, arrives at a country club with a beautiful and charming 25-year-old blonde.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob exclaims, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
His friends are shocked, but continue to ask, "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob replies, "I lied about my age."
His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 40?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."