Relative Jokes / Recent Jokes

Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.

A tiny tot sought admission to the junior branch of a school on the strength of having an older brother in the final year in the same school. The older boy had described the aspirant as his' real brother'. When the little fellow appeared before the interview board and was questioned about the relationship, he replied,' He is a distant relative.'
'How come you call him a distant relative when he says you are his real brother?' asked the principal.
'Sir, there are nine brothers and sisters between him and me, so he has become a distant relative.'

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his medical services. He was asked if he had health insurance.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun."
The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

There were these two college students who needed one more class to graduate. Tom was going over to the college to register and Bob said "register me for the easiest class you can find, something like underwater basket weaving...". Tom goes over to the college and is reading the class guide when one of the advisors comes up to him and asks if he can help. Tom explains the situation and the advisor suggests that the two young men take a class called "Relative Theory". Tom says "I don't know, that sounds pretty hard, we were looking for something really easy". The advisor replies "Well son, let me give you an example... Lets say you asked the question do you have a lawn mower? And the person answers yes, you could assume that this person probably has grass and if they have grass then they probably live in a house or condo - right?" Tom says "Yes, that makes since". Then the advisor says "If they live in a house or condo, you could more...

More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

AAC Alter All CommandsAAD Alter All DataAAO Add And OverflowAAR Alter At RandomAB Add BackwardsABC AlphaBetize CodeABR Add Beyond RangeACC Advance CPU ClockACDC Allow Controller to Delete ContentsACDP Allow Controller to Die PeacefullyACQT Advance Clock to Quitting TimeADB Another Dumb BugAEE Absolve Engineering ErrorsAFF Add Fudge FactorAFHB Align Fullword on Halfword BoundaryAFP Abnormalize Floating PointAFR Abort Funny RoutineAFVC Add Finagle's Variable ConstantAGB Add GarBageAGWA Add and Get Wrong AnswerAI Add ImproperAIB Attack Innocent BystanderAIB Attack Innocent BystandersAISG Access and Improve Student GradeAMM Add Mayo and MustardAMM Answer My MailAMS Add Memory to SystemANC ANnoy ConsultantAOI Annoy Operator ImmediateAR Advance RudelyAR Alter RealityARN Add and Reset to Non-zeroARN Add and Reset to NonzeroARZ Add and Reset to ZeroAS Add SidewaysASQGSA ASCII Stupid Question, Get a Stupid ANSIAT Accumulate TriviaAWP Argue With ProgrammerAWTT Assemble With Tinker ToysBA Branch more...

A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative. The Parrot, being a male, sneaks out and screws the next door neighbors turkeys and rushes back home, but not before being caught in the act.

The next door neighbors knock on the door and explain what the Parrot has been doing. The owners of the parrot reprimand him and tell him if he doesn't stop it he's going to shave the parrots head.

That night the Parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out and screws his neighbors turkeys again. The next morning the owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head.

The following morning is the Farmers daughters wedding, and in order to please the relative that gave them the parrot, they sit the parrot on a piano and tell him for his punishment he has to greet all the guests and tell them where to sit in the church.

The parrot is doing fine.' Grooms side to the left and Brides side to the right'. Until two bald guys walk in and he more...