Religion Jokes / Recent Jokes

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, more...

Stress-Relieving PrayerLord, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those peopleI had to kill today because they pissed me off. And, help me to be carefulOf the toes I step on today as theyMay be connected to the assThat I might have to kiss tomorrow. Amen.

Three nuns die and go to heaven. St. Peter is waiting for them at the gates of heaven and as they walk up he says "In order for you to get into heaven, you each have to answer one question." The nuns say ok and the first nun walks up.

St. Peter says "Who was the first man on Earth?"

The nun thinks for a little bit and finally says "that's easy, Adam." Bells ring, angels sing, doors fly open, nun walks in.

The second nun walks up and St. Peter says "Who was the first woman on Earth?"

The nun thinks for a little bit and says "That's easy, Eve." Bells ring, angels sing, doors fly open, nun walks in.

The third nun walks up and St. Peter says "Ok, what were the last words Eve said to Adam before Adam left the Garden of Eden?"

The nun, not having the slightest idea, thought for a long time and finally said "Boy, that's a hard one..."

Bells ring, more...

Observers of Obama speeches say he invokes Jesus more than Bush did. Unlike Bush, Obama is aware he's not talking about his gardner.

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to Heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to Heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam "What's wrong?" Adam said he didn't have a anyone to talk to.

So God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be woman. He said this person would cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you have a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.

Adam asked God, "what would a woman like this cost?"

God said,"An arm and leg."

Adam said,"What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history.

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
which said: "Two Prostitutes - $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign,
stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go
to jail.Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES"One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?""Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled "Their sign
pertains to religion."So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and
drove off.The following day found the same police officer in the area when he
noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car
again.Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he
noticed the new sign which now read:"Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter - $50.00."