Religion Jokes / Recent Jokes
The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church. When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice. "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?""Why reverend." the young thing replied. All of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts.""Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said. "I don't hear any angels singing!""Of course not reverend." she said. Your not plugged in yet."
One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem; my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "... And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin. "Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones. more...
A young criminal dies in a road accident and instead of going to heaven ends up at the gates of Hell to be met by the Devil himself.' Welcome' says the Devil. The young thug is thinking to himself' this is not what I expected'.
Instead of the fire and brimstone and the gates of Hades all there was was a long corridor going off into the distance with heavy wooden doors bolted on both sides. The Devil says' You now have to choose the punishment that will be yours for all eternity to pay for your sins whilst on earth. Pick the room behind one of these doors and forever be damned!'
The Devil opens the first door to a scene that almost makes the young man sick. Tied to the wall is a man groaning in agony, there is a great hole where his stomach should be, his entrails are slowly being pulled out on to the floor by a group of evil looking dwarves.' Torture for all eternity, no thanks' thinks the young man and he signals the Devil to open another door further down the more...
The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. The bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO, JESUS CHRIST, GO!".
Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of these loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way more...
Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies. They ran out of gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline. "I'm sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamberpot. The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car. As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."
A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed.
Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag." Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her.
Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.
Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness more...
A Friend's PrayerMay the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person whoscrews up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch. Amen