Remaining Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three couples applied for membership to a new church, the pastor
explained, " First you must show your devotion to god by remaining
celibate for three weeks." The couples agreed that was not to much to
ask, and went on their way. Three weeks later the couples returned.
The pastor asked the first couple of their experience, to which they
replied, "The first week was most challenging, but with gods help, the
remaining two weeks were quite insightful."
"Bless you my children," the pastor replied with an approving smile,
"and welcome to our congregation." The pastor then looked to the
second couple and asked if they had grown from their experience as
well, to which they replied, "Well the first two weeks were sort-of
touch and go, if you know what I mean, but we figured it was for a
good cause and all... so we finally made it."
The pastor then looked upon the third couple more...

A deal was struck between an industrialist and a government minister for the sanction of a licence for Rs. ten lakhs to be paid in cash. A note sanctioning the issue of licence was prepared and put up to the minister for his signature.

The industrialist, not being sure of the minister's intentions, brought Rs. five lakhs and handed them over to the minister's secretary - the remaining five to be paid on issue of the licence.

The file came back with the minister's remark:' Not accepted.'

The industrialist promptly paid the remaining five lakhs and the file was taken back to the minister who simply added the letter' E' to the' not':' Note accepted.'

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment. Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.""Very good!", said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.""That's wonderful!" the more...

How Do You Know If A Pizza Is Left-Handed? After You Are Done Eating, The Remaining Pieces Are Left!

A bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, "We will all die some day, and none of us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."
Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment.
Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had four weeks of life remaining before your death?"
A gentleman said, "I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lifes."
"Very good!" said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."
"That is wonderful!" the group more...

IN THE BEGINNING [author unknown]
(To justify God’s ways to the 21st century.)
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said
: Let there be light!
#Enter user id.
: God
#Enter password.
: Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
: Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
: Technocrat
#And God logged on at 12: 01: 00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
: Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
: Create light
#Done
: Run heaven and earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12: 02: 00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92. 50.
#And God logged on at 12: 01: 00 AM, Monday, March 2.
: Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
: Create firmament
#Done.
: Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 more...

CAT MIRACLE DIET: Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet!

Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what con- stitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more than. 75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your more...