Remember Jokes / Recent Jokes
There is this French couple, sitting up talking, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees. So the father goes to his son's room and says "Son do you remember that session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette ?" "Oh yes papa, I remember very well" says the son. "Well son it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing"
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go more...
A swede was travelling on the night-train, but he couldn`t find his seat. The conductor asked him if he could approximately remember where it was. "No," the swede said, "all I can remember is that there was a river outside of it."
Avoid all esoteric jewellery over ten pounds in weight - it attracts unwelcome attention from muggers, policemen, various supernatural creatures and can be and are downright dangerous during thunderstorms.
Avoid using coloured candles in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel-coloured candles in the shape of cute animals are like beacons to the weirdest demons.
Never make flippant remarks to a demon ("Hey, Belial, you look like hell, ha ha."). It may retort with its own brand of humour, like tearing your limbs apart.
Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, service revolver, garlic, taxi fare, condoms, and change.
When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the High Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.
If a demon promises you untold riches in exchange for your body, ask for an advance - freeloading sex fiends abound.
If the entity you summoned offers you its soul in return for money, chances are that more...
What I've learned from Noah's Ark
Don't miss the boat. Remember that we are all in the same boat. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old someone may ask you to do something really big. Don't listen to critics, just get on with the job that needs to be done. Build your future on high ground. For safety's sake travel in pairs. Speed isn't everything. The snails were on board with the cheetahs. When you're stressed, float awhile. Remember the Ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic by professionals. If you can't fight or flee - float. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain - grab a shovel. Stay below deck during the storm. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side. Remember that the wood peckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm out side. No matter the storm, when you are with God there's always a rainbow waiting
He can remember which of 2.4 billion kids have been naughty or nice... but does he remember to replace the roll of toilet paper when it runs out? NooOOooo.
That whole "knows if you've been bad or good" thing makes it mighty hard for kids to cheat at Old Maid.
One night a year for me to sneak out with the girlfriends, and all the bars are closed.
Managing toy production, keeping elves in line, cleaning up after reindeer... meanwhile, fatboy sits around 364 days out of the year and gets all the glory!