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"I'll have to report you, sir," said the traffic cop to the speeding driver. "You were doing 85 miles an hour." "Nonsense, officer," declared the driver. "I've only been in the car for ten minutes."

You believe the staff room should have a valium salt lick.
You find humor in other people's stupidity.
You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all you holidays and summers free."
You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."
When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior. Marking all A's on the report card would make your life SOOOO much simpler.
When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
You really encourage more...

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many?

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends: If they are applications programmers, it takes exactly twice as many as are currently available. If they are host programmers, it takes one for each variant of Unix and/or MicroSoft Windows. If they are core programmers, it only takes one. He just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to analyze the historical failure rates of lightbulbs using PROC LIFEREG, so as to anticipate the failure of the lightbulb before the user actually has to report it, one to explain why SAS is better for changing lightbulbs than S-Plus, SPSS/X, BMDP, SYSTAT, MINITAB or a spreadsheet, one to write a custom interface in AF/SCL allowing the user to manually request the changing of the light bulb after its more...

Dear Friends:
When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness and since several of you have openly called me a dirty son-of-a-bitch to my face, I know I must have done something wrong at our office party last Friday. The Office Manager called me today from the hospital and so this is my last day here. I would like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to each of you personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.
First, to our dear and beloved boss, Mr. Simons, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I am very much aware your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a whore. Your wife is a delightful woman and my story of you buying her for fifty cents in Tia Juana was a fragment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler incident, well, you will never know how badly I feel about it and I hope they more...

Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.

As reported by the Brockton Enterprise, Friday, August 14, 1998

"Bride finds groom-to-be in bed with best man"

ATHENS-

Greek machismo has suffered a below-the-belt blow in Crete, where a bride-to-be was hospitalized with "severe shock" after discovering her groom in bed with his best man on the eve of their wedding.

A policeman in Heraklion said the story had sent shock waves through the island, where the groom has gone into hiding. "What was really upsetting for her was that he was wearing her wedding dress when she caught him in their own bed," he said. "Her family has sworn revenge if they ever find him."

The Athens news agency that carried the report said the couple had decided to tie the knot after a turbulent relationship and the wedding date was set for last Saturday. The bride-to-be stumbled upon her fiance and his best man after friends asked her to take them to the couple's home more...

This relates to an I. A. S. officer who could read, write and even speak English. He once gave a' very good' report of his subordinate officer, writing in his Confidential Report that the officer' hardly works'. It was only after the officers' representation that the reporting officer clarified that he meant the officer was hardworking. When the same officer once went to inspect a B. S. F. picket on Gurdaspur border, he made these brief remarks on the Visitors' Book: "Jawans are healthy, horses are happy, I am glad." Interestingly, when a foreign dignitary was being shown round his residence, our English-speaking officer took the dignitary to the back of his house, saying, "These are my private parts."