Report Jokes / Recent Jokes

Eight-year-old Anita brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good... mostly A`s and a couple of B`s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Anita is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit." Anita`s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Anita because I would like to try it out on her mother

Today`s Stock Market Report:
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:
Most Honorable Sir:
You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.
I look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall out of tree.
I not see.
No Fee.....

British Military Officer Fitness Reports

The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. - He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of more...

A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.

The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.
The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance.
"That's fine," he said. "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."
"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.
The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."

What is a Mexican weather report? Chilli today, hot tamale.

What the report SAID (1), What the report MEANT (2)

(1) While on routine patrol. . .

(2) I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.

(1) The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner.

(2) He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN- DON'T FEED THE PIGS".

(1) The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control.

(2) It was raining.

(1) This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.

(2) It was too hot to ride in the car.

(1) I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner. . .

(2) The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by.

(1) Knowing the suspect had a criminal history. . .

(2) He puked on my uniform one night. . .

(1) The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the more...