Response Jokes

This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his head stuck in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the experience would be funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you right up front that he's fine. Getting him out wasn't easy, though, and the process included numerous home remedies, a plumber, two cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case of mistaken identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.

My husband, Rich, and I had just returned from a vacation in the Cayman Islands, where I had been sick as a dog the whole time, trying to convince myself that if I had to feel lousy, it was better to do it in paradise. We had arrived home at 9 p.m., a day and a half later than we had planned because of airline problems. I still had illness-related vertigo, and because of the flight delays, had not been able to prepare the class I was supposed to teach at 8:40 the next morning. I sat down at my desk to think and around ten more...

A shy little four-year old girl was at the dentist for her first check-up and cleaning. The hygenist attempted to strike up a conversation with her, but received no response.
After the cleaning was finished, the dentist was called in to do the final check. He, too, tried to strike up a conversation with the little girl and received no response.
"Don't you know how old you are?" the dentist asked. The little girl immediately held up four fingers.
"Oh, I see," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"
Once again, the little girl held up four fingers.
Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, "Can you talk?"
With a solemn look, the little girl replied, "Can you count, asshole?"

There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine. The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five more...

"Who in their right mind would ever need more than 640k of ram!?" -- Bill Gates, 1981 "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 "But what. .. is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 "This' telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The more...

Michael "Heck of Job" Brown, the former FEMA chief blamed the breakdown in the response to Hurricane Katrina right at the Bush administration's feet. He said that his biggest regret was that he wasn't candid enough about the lack of a coherent federal response plan. That, and the fact that he was totally incompetent.