Return Jokes / Recent Jokes

I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money. The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer's group. Funny though, they forgot to put my street name on them!

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by
train to a conference. At the station, the three
lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three
engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one
ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you`ll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their
respective seats but all three engineers cram into
a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor
comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the
restroom door and says, "Ticket, please" The door
opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed,
it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy
the engineers on the return trip and more...

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when.
Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.
I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the more...

Prelude:
Here it is! The REAL Windows FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) Version 4. 2e! The authors are still searching for more Windows/Microsoft/Bill Gates related experiences, short stories, origins and other jokes. Please send them to the support site mentioned at the end of this document.

01. Novice-Question: How do I recognize Windows?
If your screen is invaded by countless silly little icons no one is able to understand, if your computers speed is reduced to almost zero, if your hard disk is full, if you can't start your normal programs anymore, then indeed you have made the fatal mistake of acquiring Microsoft Windows!
02. Virgin-Questions: What exactly is Windows? Why do I need Windows?
Windows is a form of modern warfare. It's yet another attempt of the electronics industry to rape and destroy the minds of its unsuspecting victims. And of course you don't need Windows. It needs you. Bill Gates needs you to buy it to get even more rich and more...

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.
4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5. 99 for the first ten words and $1. 99 for each additional word in your message.
6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over more...

Jack has stolen the rabbi's gold watch and afterwards felt guilty about what he did.
After a sleepless night, he went to the rabbi.
"Rabbi, I stole a gold watch."
"But Jack, that's forbidden! You should return it immediately!"
"What shall I do?
"Give it back to the owner."
"Do you want it?"
"No, I said return it to its owner."
"But he doesn't want it." "
"In that case, you can keep it."

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Because of your concern...I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day
I no longer use margarine because it's one molecule away from being plastic.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually more...