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In March, 1999 a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0. 00. He ignored it and threw it away.
In April he received another bill and threw that one away too. The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0. 00 by return mail. He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament. However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.
He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0. 00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to them the more...

Dear IRS:
Enclosed are my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Enclosed please find four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above-mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw?" (See attached article: HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers."
Sincerely,
I. Getscrewed Everyear

A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn't work. The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, "Grab my Breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he can help.
She explained that she wanted to return the nonworking toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.
Once again she yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase.
She replied, "Because I like my breasts grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket more...

INTELLIGENCE IS A BYPRODUCT OF EVOLUTION
Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Microsoft employees more...

A Mexican, an Asian, an African, and an American all somehow come across a genie at the same time. They rub the lamp and the genie pops out and agrees to grant them all one wish each. The genie turns to the Mexican and asks what he wished for.
"I wish that myself and all of my people could return to Mexico and live without poverty and wars."
With that, the Mexican disappeared. The genie then turns to the Asian and asks what he wished for.
"I wish that myself and all my people could go return to our countries in Asia and live in peace and happiness."
And the Asian disappears. The genie next asked the African what he would like.
"I wish that myself and all of my African Brothers and Sisters could return to our homelands in Africa and live in wealth and be bothered no more by the rest of the world."
With that, the African disappears. The genie turns to the American and asks what he wishes for.
"Before I make my wish, am I to more...

Recently I was so embarrassed at my wedding, at the
rehearsal, the minister told my father, ‘As you give
your daughter’s hand to the bridegroom, you should say
something nice to him. ’
My father, a grocery-store manager, took the advice.
During the wedding ceremony, he placed my hand on my new
husband’s arm and said, ‘No deposit, no return. ’