Ribbon Jokes

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.
He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the more...

Olie and Lena are getting ready to go to a Halloween party. Lena comes out almost naked except for a ribbon with a lemon tied around her waist.
Olie days, "Lane, is that what you're going to wear?"
Lena says, "Yes Olie, it is."
Then Olie goes back and comes out almost naked except for a ribbon with a potato tied around his waist
Lena asks, "Olie, is that what you're gonna wear to the party?"
Olie says, "Yes, I figured if you could go as a sour puss, I could go as a dictator."

Mark and Sharon decide they don't want to discuss sex in front of their 4
and 6 year old children, so they decide to talk in code.

One day Mark is feeling a little bit turned on and says to Katie, "Tell
your mother I would really like to type a letter."

Katie runs off to find her mom. " Mommy, mommy", shouts Katie, "Daddy would
like to type a letter."

Sharon replies slightly sheepishly, "Katie, go and tell your daddy that he
can't type a letter today as there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."

Katie tears off to her father and says, " Daddy, daddy, mommy says you
can't type a letter today as there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."

A few days later Sharon remembers that Mark was a little bit keen on a bit
of nookie and she called Katie, "Katie, tell your daddy that he can type
that letter today."

Katie went off to look for more...

Sue lay sprawled in sweet exhaustion on the bed, wearing a red ribbon in her bright blonde hair. Beside her, wearing not even a ribbon, Mark slowly lit two cigarettes and passed one to her. For a long moment, smoke and silence hung in the air. Then:

"My mother always told me to be good," Sue said with a little smile. "Was I?"

What a Scotsman Wears Under His Kilt
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a
large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to
nap against a tree. As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud
snoring. When they found him, one said, "
I've always wondered what a
Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeper,
raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said,
"
Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"
She took off
her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's
endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature.
He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue
ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "
I don't know where y'been
laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"