Rid Jokes / Recent Jokes

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, “If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose. ” While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said “You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra. ”

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother. ”

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I cant get rid of these bags please help me. The doctor says he is gonna try and new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she cant get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor. She says to the doctor: "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I cant seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies: "Lady those aren't bags.. those are your boobs." All she had to say was.."Now that would explain why I have this goatee."

There was a woman who looked very old and she did not like it so she went to the doctor and she said that she wanted to get rid of the wrinkles on her face. The doctor told her about an experimental surgery that should get rid of all her wrinkles for life. The woman decided to have the surgery. She had a nob on the back of her neck which she twisted every day.

The woman was happy for many years and people remarked on who young she looked. But one day she had something bothering her so she went to the doctors and said "I have something irritating me. I have bags under my eyes." The doctor simply replied "Oh, those are your breasts." She said "well! What about the goatee

An undertaker called the next of kin to confirm the funeral arrangements desired for the dear departed and, as luck would have it, the son-in-law-who was actually delighted to be rid of the old battle-ax -answered the phone.
"We're sorry to disturb you in this time of personal grief," the undertaker intoned solemnly, "but there appears to be some confusion as to whether the body of the loved one is to be buried or cremated."
"Let's not take any chances," came the prompt reply. "Do both."

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife's tits and says, "If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows."

He grabs her butt and says, "If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

The wife grabs the farmer's dick and says, "And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother."