Ring Jokes / Recent Jokes
IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICECongratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bone-head consumer maneuvers. Which is why we ask you to:PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!? We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. more...
Their are three rings that make up a marriage:
engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering
Quasimodo advertises for a man to ring the bells. The next morning, a fellow comes in with no arms. "Are you kidding?" say Quasimodo. "I'm serious," the man says. "Please, just give me a chance." "Fine," says Quasimodo. "Ring the bells." After all, who is Quasimodo to discriminate against the handicapped? The man runs up the stairs, takes a flying leap, rings one of the bells with his head-boing!-and collapses in a heap. Then he picks himself up, runs up the stairs again, and rings a different bell-boing! On the third try, however, he misses the bell completely, flies out the window, and falls on the ground, dead. Immediately, a crowd gathers around the body. When Quasimodo comes out, they say to him, "Who was this man?" "I never knew his name," he replies, "but his face rang a bell." The following day another man applies for the job, and he, too, has no arms. "I had a guy come in yesterday, looked more...
Three men went to the doctor's office... The first man runs into his office and yells:
"Doctor! Doctor! Help me! I've got a green ring around my dick!" and the doctor replies:
"Oh well you'll die in 2 weeks"
The second man runs into his office yelling:
"Doctor! Doctor! Help me! I've got a yellow ring around my dick!" and the doctor replies:
"Oh well you'll die in 2 weeks"
The third man runs into the room yelling:
"Doctor! Doctor! Help me! I've got a red ring around my dick!" and the doctor replies:
"Don't worry---it's just lipstick"
Marriage consists of only 3 rings:
An engagement RING,
A wedding RING,
And suffeRING.
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5, 000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said:" I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40, 000," the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said: "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by cheque. "I know you need to make sure the cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very peed-off jeweller more...
There were three men drinking at Pete's Bar
A Doctor, an Attorney, and a Biker.
As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way if she doesn't like the fur coat, she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go f **** herself!"