Ring Jokes / Recent Jokes

Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving." Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention! Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush! Yo mama so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers! Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!" Yo mama so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway. Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk. Yo mama so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp. Yo mama so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage." Yo mama so poor she drives a peanut. Yo mama so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.

George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Bush!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Sheeda from
Chuk no -3, District Gujrat, Pakistan. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Sheeda," Bush replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"

"Right now," said Sheeda, after a moment `s calculation, "there is
myself, my cousin Basheera, my next door neighbor Karam Deen, and the entire kabaddi team from the village. That makes eight"

Bush paused. "I must tell you, Sheeda that I have one million men in my
army waiting to move on my command."

"BLOODY Hell " said Sheeda. "I `ll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Sheeda called again.
"Mr. Bush, it is Sheeda, I `m calling from Chuk no-3 more...

Jason showed his buddy the beautiful diamond ring he had bought his girlfriend for her birthday. "I thought she wanted a four-wheel-drive vehicle," ventured his friend.
"She did," Jason said. "But where am I going to find a fake Jeep?"

A very British one:
0. Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1. Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well being.
2. Beer warming up head. Chips are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
3. Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while the blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
4. Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bra. Order half a dozen packets of crisps one by one.
5. Have brilliant discussion with a guy at the bar. Devise a foolproof scheme for winning the lottery. Sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same the world over - except for the bloody French.
6. Feel like a demi-god. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realize that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing arse.
7. Send more...

It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by sending extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each other.
Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
a. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar..
b. The dog was receiving 90 more...

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

While waiting in the doctor's waiting room, two very nervous men got to talking. Within minutes, they discovered that they had very similar symptoms. One had a red ring around the base of his penis, and the other had a green ring. The guy with the red ring was examined first.
In a few minutes, he came out of the examining room and was all smiles. Going over to the other fellow, he said, "Don't worry, it's nothing."
Very relieved, the second guy entered the examining room, only to be told by the doctor, "I'm very sorry, but you have an advanced case of VD. I'm afraid you'll have to be castrated."
Turning white, the young man gasped, "But the first guy... he said it was no big deal!"
"Well, young man," the doctor said, "there's a huge difference between gangrene and lipstick!"