Ring Jokes / Recent Jokes

Ring Ring... Hello, who is it? Is your phone number 13498732? No. So, why did you pick up the phone?

Name_________________________ Date of Birth____________
Height _________ Weight________ IQ________ GPA________
Social Security # ______________ Driver's licence #__________
Boy Scout Rank_____________________________________
Home Address_____________ City/State ____________ Zip____
Do you have one male and one female parent? ____________
If no, explain answer _________________________________
Number of years parents married ________________________
Do you own a van? _______ A truck with oversized tires? ______
Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? _______
Do you have a tattoo? _________
(if yes to any of #8, discontinue application and leave the premises)
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you? ____________
____________________________________________________.
In 50 words or less, what does' DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER!' mean to you? more...

body: A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian." Curious, he buys a ticket.
The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it is an old retired Italian. Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge penis and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Italian is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same: "Don't Miss the Amazing Italian." He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket.
Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The Italian stands before more...

During Rajiv Gandhi's term as prime minister a group of Congress(I) MPs was comparing notes with one another. As usual their chief occupation was who was nazdeek (close) to the prime minister and who had been replaced by whom in the inner circles. Asked one of another, who seemed to know the comings and goings on Race Course Road:' Have you seen the Prime Minister recently?'
'Arre kahan! You ring and ring and no appointment is given. "Too busy" is all that his secretaries say.'
'But surely, you know him well enough to walk into the kothi without an appointment!'
'Those days are gone,' replied the other sadly,' now its battalions outside and Italians inside.'

At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.
The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests.
Asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."

At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests.Asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."

New telephone answering system at County Mental Health: (possibly off to mental health professionals and clients)
ring, ring...
"Hello, you have reached the automated operator for County Mental Health.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1, repeatedly.
If you are codependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality disorder, press 3,4,5,& 6.
If you are schizophrenic, listen closely and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are suffering from depression, hang up - it wouldn't have done any good anyway.
Thank you for calling, please make your selection now.