Rolling Jokes / Recent Jokes

Excerpted from the Columbus Dispatch, (compiled by Accent staff) 5/15/91:

"Accent asked students at Columbus' Beck School, and Dublin's Chapman
Elementary to study a list of 20 axioms with the key words missing."

-If you can't stand the heat, get a Pool.
-If you can't stand the heat, get out of the oven.
-A bird in the hand is messy.
-Don't count your chickens, eat them.
-You can't teach an old dog new math.
-When in Rome, do Roman numerals in math.
-When in Rome, do bulls run around town?
-Too many cooks, so little meals.
-A fool and his money are my best friends.
-A penny saved is one cent.
-Look before you run into a pole.
-A watched pot never disappears.
-A rolling stone makes you flat.
-A rolling stone is a singing rock group.
-Every cloud has a wet spot.

What should you do if you see your Mother-In-Law rolling around in pain on the ground?
Shoot her again.

I know for a fact that the following examples of idiocy are true, because I myself was witness to their occurance.
In 1989, I was working in a state office in Kansas. It was right after the 1988 George Bush Presidential campaign.
Well, one day we had been talking about pork rinds (if you'll remember, George Bush was a great fan of the greasy snack food at the time), and our supervisor brought in a big bag.
My deskmate was chowing into them like there was no tomorrow. I said, "Gee, I guess you really like Bush's favorite snack!"
She responded, "Bush who?"
I said, "*George* Bush, Gina!"
She said, "Who's he? Does he work here?" (rolling eyes) Of course, George Bush was the President of the United States by this time...
Same office, a few months later.
There was an article in the newspaper during the summer of 1989 decrying the fact that United States high school seniors had a very poor knowledge of geography. more...

[Royters: Dateline Washington]
Joe Motzeratz Reporting
Justice Department Siege Section's Helicopters & Tanks Rolling Towards Redmond
With the clock ticking ever closer to the deadline imposed by the Justice Department and the leaders of the Redmond WA based cult promising a fight to the end, Attorney General Janet Reno has informed the Justice Department's Siege Section to start the helicopters and tanks rolling towards Microsoft's campus in Redmond Washington; as well as cutting off the avenues of escape for Cult Leader Gates to his fortified redoubt on the lake, known as "C:/"..
Attorney General Reno stated that with such a formidable foe as Microsoft, and their response to her edict, that it would have to be a Take No Prisoners operation as the threat to the community at large is even more egregious than the mentally troubled widow in Illinois, and a much greater threat than the situation that first propelled her to prominence.
Apparently, more...

A frog enters a bank and walks up to an accountant. The accountant's name is Patricia Whack.
The frog says, "Patty Whack, I would like to get a loan."
"What's your name?" she asks.
"You don't know my name? Everyone else does. I'm Froggy Jagger, son of Mick Jagger from the Rolling Stones," the frog replies.
"Do you have any proof?" she inquires.
The frog reaches into his pocket and takes out some valuable and beautiful china. "What is that?" asks the accountant.
"Go and ask your manager," says the frog.
So, Patricia goes to her manager, shows him the china, and asks, "What is this?"
The manager says, "It's a knick knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man is a Rolling Stone."