Rooney Jokes

Andy Rooney Quotes:
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I am in shape. Round's a shape!
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Gee, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I`ll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don`t think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don`t want to run, they can rest in the chair that`s hooked up to the generator.
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Andy Rooney On Fabric Softeners:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it`s hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
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Andy Rooney On Morning more...

15. "Miracle and a Quickie on 42nd Street -- A Times Square Christmas"
14. Spike Lee's "Get On the Sleigh"
13. Van Damme IS "Santa Claude"
12. Michael Jackson stars in "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas"
11. "The Deep II -- A Chappaquiddick Holiday with Uncle Ted"
10. "There's No Santa Claus, Charlie Brown"
9. The spoiled brats ask for the moon and Santa delivers, in "Naked Buns II"
8. Mickey Rooney & Andy Rooney in "Grumpy Old Elves"
7. Ross Perot as the autistic elf in "Reindeer Man" ("Of course, I'd be an excellent President.")
6. "It's a Wonderful Life, My Ass -- Pass the Malt Liquor"
5. Steven Segal IS "MissleToe"
4. Jane Fonda, Julia Roberts and Elizabeth Shue in "Ho, Ho, Ho!"
3. He's got a red nose and an Uzi. And he's about to teach them some "new" reindeer games in "Rudolph more...

15. “Miracle and a Quickie on 42nd Street - A Times Square Christmas”
14. Spike Lee’s “Get On the Sleigh”
13. Van Damme IS “Santa Claude”
12. Michael Jackson stars in “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”
11. “The Deep II - A Chappaquiddick Holiday with Uncle Ted”
10. “There’s No Santa Claus, Charlie Brown”
9. The spoiled brats ask for the moon and Santa delivers, in “Naked Buns II”
8. Mickey Rooney & Andy Rooney in “Grumpy Old Elves”
7. Ross Perot as the autistic elf in “Reindeer Man” (”Of course, I’d be an excellent President. ”)
6. “It’s a Wonderful Life, My Ass - Pass the Malt Liquor”
5. Steven Segal IS “MissleToe”
4. Jane Fonda, Julia Roberts and Elizabeth Shue in “Ho, Ho, Ho! ”
3. He’s got a red nose and an Uzi. And he’s about to teach them some “new” reindeer games in “Rudolph II - First Blood”
2. “Blazing Saddles 2 - How the Stench Stole more...

15. "Miracle and a Quickie on 42nd Street - A Times Square Christmas"
14. Spike Lee's "Get On the Sleigh"
13. Van Damme IS "Santa Claude"
12. Michael Jackson stars in "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas"
11. "The Deep II - A Chappaquiddick Holiday with Uncle Ted"
10. "There's No Santa Claus, Charlie Brown"
9. The spoiled brats ask for the moon and Santa delivers, in "Naked Buns II"
8. Mickey Rooney & Andy Rooney in "Grumpy Old Elves"
7. Ross Perot as the autistic elf in "Reindeer Man" ("Of course, I'd be an excellent President.")
6. "It's a Wonderful Life, My Ass - Pass the Malt Liquor"
5. Steven Segal IS "MissleToe"
4. Jane Fonda, Julia Roberts and Elizabeth Shue in "Ho, Ho, Ho!"
3. He's got a red nose and an Uzi. And he's about to teach them some "new" reindeer games in "Rudolph II - First more...