Safely Jokes / Recent Jokes

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, "What are you up to?" Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along. They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer. But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. more...

Rule One~: If you pull into my driveway and honk
you'd better be delivering a package, because
you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two~: You do not touch my daughter in front of
me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not
peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will
remove them.
Rule Three~: I am aware that it is considered
fashionable for boys of your age to wear their
trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult,
but you and all of your friends are complete
idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You
may come to the door with your underwear showing
and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not
object. However, in order to ensure that your
clothes do not, in fact come off during the course
of you date with more...

An elderly woman was nervous about making her first flight in an airplane, so before takeoff, she went to see the captain about her fears.

"You will bring me down safely, won't you?" she anxiously inquired.

"Don't worry, Madam," came the friendly reply. "I haven't left anyone up there yet."

Having just returned from a brief visit to Puerto Rico, I must report how well the mixed english/metric system has made live easier on the island.
All speed limits are posted in Miles Per Hour
All distances on the highway are posted in Kilometers
(however short distances are posted in feet & inches)
Therefore it is normal to see the following three signs next to each other:
SPEED
LIMIT55
MPH
PONCE
55 KMSAN JUAN
285 KM
MAXIMUM
CLEARANCE
12'6"
Just think how this must translate to one of the old common math problems assigned in school:
Train A (comprised of an engine, 22 box cars and a caboose) leaves San Juan at 12 noon south-bound for Ponce.
Train B (comprised of an engine, 16 box cars and a caboose) leaves Ponce 15 minutes later north-bound for San Juan.
There is only one stretch of double track where the trains may pass safely. This starts 100KM south of San Juan and is 2.5KM long.
It is 230KM from San Juan more...

There were three girls and a genie on a mountain. There was a redhead, a brunette and a blonde. The only one who knew how to get off the mountain was the genie, but she offered the girls a wish to turn into birds and fly off.
"I want to be a blue jay so I can showoff my blue color in the sun." the redhead said to the genie. POOF! The bluejay landed off the mountain safely.
"I want to be a cardinal so I can go visit my friends in St. Louis." the brunette said. POOF! The cardinal landed safely off the mountain, too.
Then the blonde shouted "I want to be cuter than a bluejay and a cardinal! I want to be a penguin!"

Rule One
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers more...

There was a muslim and a christian in an aeroplane. The engines and the two decide to jump knowing they may die. anyway the Muslim jumps and as he is falling recites, "Oh Allah please save. Please save me!"
A big blak hand swoops down, picks him up and places him safely on the ground.
the christian sees this and decides to do the same. He recites,"Oh Allah please save. Please save me!"
Again, a big black hand swoops down and safely places him on the ground. Then the christian stands up, dusts himself off and says,"Thank God for that!!"
Then a big black foot comes down and squashes him to death.