Safely Jokes

Rule OneIf you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule TwoYou do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule ThreeI am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your more...

There were three men named nick, mike, and james, they had to save there selfs by wishing for something after jumping off a cliff. the first one was nick and he jumped off and said out loud MARSHMELLOWS AND LOTS OF THEM! and he landed safely. the second one was mike he jumped and said PILLOWS AND LOTS OF THEM! and he landed safely. last was james but when he got to the edge he jumped off and saw the drop and he yelled HOLY SHIT! and landed safely in a pile of gold glowing shit.

Having just returned from a brief visit to Puerto Rico, I must report how well the mixed english/metric system has made live easier on the island.
All speed limits are posted in Miles Per Hour
All distances on the highway are posted in Kilometers
(however short distances are posted in feet & inches)
Therefore it is normal to see the following three signs next to each other:
SPEED
LIMIT55
MPH
PONCE
55 KMSAN JUAN
285 KM
MAXIMUM
CLEARANCE
12'6"
Just think how this must translate to one of the old common math problems assigned in school:
Train A (comprised of an engine, 22 box cars and a caboose) leaves San Juan at 12 noon south-bound for Ponce.
Train B (comprised of an engine, 16 box cars and a caboose) leaves Ponce 15 minutes later north-bound for San Juan.
There is only one stretch of double track where the trains may pass safely. This starts 100KM south of San Juan and is 2.5KM long.
It is 230KM from San Juan more...

Female Viagra
With the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem, a famous pharmaceutical company is working to redress the balance.
MIRRORCILLIN - A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once.
STOPPANAGGIN - Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse/boyfriend.
COSMOPOLIRA - Doubles female intelligence to almost simian levels, allowing' facts' in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.
LOGICON - Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue effectively without being diverted into non relevant postulates such as' you don't love me anymore'.
PARKATRON - 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes.
MAGNATACK - Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger than in reality - no more...

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you"d better be delivering a package, because you"re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter"s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don"t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten more...