Sailor Jokes / Recent Jokes

The following is supposedly a true story relating to an actual sailor's experience in the Army.After turning in from a four to eight watch the seaman overslept and missed muster. When questioned he said: "Due to my metabolic inability to cope with change I did not respond to external stimuli and remained in a comatose condition."The C.P.O., who didn't understand a word, listened to this report with awe and sent the sailor to the psychiatrist.

A blonde was feeling so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into Lake Erie. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Listen, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you, and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added with a wink, "And I'll make you happy, and you can make ME happy." The girl nodded yes through her tears. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat, along with blankets and food. From then on, every night he brought her sandwiches, water, wine and fruit and they would make mad, passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the more...

One hundred dollars to any man who can make love to ONE OF OUR GIRLS TEN TIMES IN SUCCESSION read the sign on a wall in the hall of the brothel. A sailor who had just returned from ten months at sea decided to accept the challenge. Picking himself a particularly appetizing, pleasantly plump brunette as a partner, he started strong, but began to falter after the seventh performance. When the somewhat sated gob asked the girl what the count was, she said, "That's five times, sailor." Realizing that the girl was lying to keep him from winning the wager, he became furious and refused to continue until he was given an honest count.
At that point the house madam entered to investigate the shouts of outrage, and she managed to soothe the sailor by agreeing that he must be satisfied with the scoring.
"There's only one fair way to settle this, deary," she said. "We'll simply start the count over from the beginning."

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then more...

A girl fell in love with a sailor and had his picture tattooed
on her right breast. The romance waned. In due time, she fell
in love with a soldier and had his picture tattooed on her left
breast. This romance also waned.
Sometime later, she fell in love with a marine and married him.
That night when they were undressing for bed he began to
laugh. She asked, "What in the world is so funny?" He said,
"Oh, I'm just thinking what long faces those two guys are
going to have in about ten years from now."

The sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor was not very good at it, and uttered a loud "F***, missed!" each time he missed. The priest tolerated him for a few minutes and couldn't take it anymore.
"Do not swear thus, my friend, or God will punish you".
It didn't make a difference, the sailor continued unabated. One after another, the sailor played badly, and followed up with "F***, missed!!". Again, the priest said "Do not utter such profanities, or God will show you a sign".
It didn't help, and the next stroke missed was followed by a loud "F***, missed!!". A bolt of lightning dropped out of the clouds and struck the priest dead.
A voice was heard in the clouds "F***, missed!!".

What's the difference between a transvestite sailor and Monica Lewinsky'swardrobe? When you have a transvestite sailor, you have a dress on a seaman.