Sailors Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two British sailors attended a church service in Stockholm. Not speaking a word of Swedish and not wishing to appear out of place they sat behind an important looking man and when he stood up or knelt down, they did the same.
At the end of the service, the pastor made what was evidently an announcement, whereupon the man in front of the sailors rose to his feet, and they did likewise - to a roar of laughter from the congregation.
As the sailors left the church, the pastor spoke to them in English, so they asked him the reason for the laughter.
"Oh!" he said, "I mentioned that next Sunday morning there was to be a baptism and would the father of the child please stand up."

Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend, Monica, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, Willie says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"
Monica says, "Oh, I don't know..."
"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!", says Willie.
Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue.
As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"
To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."

How are opera singers and sailors alike?
They both have to handle the high seas(Cs)!

OLD RADIOS never die, they just stop receivingOLD RAILROADERS never die, they just derailOLD RAIN PUDDLES never die, they just dry upOLD SAILORS never die, they just get a little "DINGHY"OLD SAILORS never die, they just lose their porpoiseOLD SALESMEN never die, they just go out of commissionOLD SCHOOLS never die, they just lose their principalsOLD SCOTS never die, but they can be kiltOLD SCULPTORS never die, they just lose their marblesOLD SEAMSTRESSES never die, they just come to the point OLD SEERS never die, they just lose their visionOLD SEWAGE WORKERS never die, they just waste awayOLD SHEETROCKERS (dry wallers) never die, they just hang aroundOLD SHOES MAKERS never die, they just lose their soleOLD SKIERS never die, but they go downhill fast

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments that were funny and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years:
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 6)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age more...