Sample Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day, John's tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor's office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he'd have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor."So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?" the doctor said."The nurse must have told you," said John, wondering how the Doctor knew."No. It was in your urinalysis." and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy based on the urine contents. John didn't believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit.Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine. When John decided to have a more...

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.' 'I can't do that, officer.''' 'Why not?''' 'Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''' 'Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''' 'Can't do that either, officer.''' 'Why not?''' 'Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''' 'Alright, we could get a blood sample.''' 'Can't do that either, officer.''' 'Why not?''' 'Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''' 'Fine then, just walk this white line.''' 'Can't do that either, officer.''' 'Why not?''' 'Because I'm drunk.''

Here's my favourite recipe for fruit cake.
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.
Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or more...

This guy goes to sperm bank to give a sample. So the girl At the front desk says to him:"Thank you for coming."

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

''I can't do that, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''

''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''

''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''

''Fine then, just walk this white line.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm drunk.''

HOLIDAY FRUITCAKE RECIPE
You will need the following: A cup of
water, a cup of sugar, four large brown
eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon
of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice,
nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.
Sample the whiskey and check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey
again. To be sure it is the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of
butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one
teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry
another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two
leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the
cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If
the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers,
pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey and check for
tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt.
Or something. Who cares? Check the
whiskey. Now sift the lemon uice more...

One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10. 00."

The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. 00. The computer started making some noise andvarious lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder more...