Sample Jokes / Recent Jokes

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."

One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10. 00."
The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. 00. The computer started making some noise andvarious lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer more...

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10. 00."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. 00.
The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy labor
It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if more...

Peter walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"We don't need anyone" they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything!"
"Well we have two prospects that No One has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."
He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00. "How in the world did you do that ?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him. "What's that?" he asked. "Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
Peter was gone about 6 hours and they were fixing to close when he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand.
He sets the buckets down, and more...

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

"Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!"

"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job."

He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25, 000 and another for $50, 000.

"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!"

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20, 000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two more...

Here's the transcript of my recent communication to Bigelow, inspired by a
sampling of their atrocious "I Love Lemon Herb Tea."
Dear Sirs,
I am writing to complain about the performance of one of your products, to
wit: Bigelow I Love Lemon Herb Tea. Having recently sampled said item in a
culinary context, I am convinced that it is the most unappealing, tasteless, and
unprofessional tea I have ever encountered.
Each teabag is enveloped in a package that reads "A year-round valentine
for everyone who really loves lemon." Well, I happen to be an ardent
enthusiast for that particular flavor, and I can assure you that this alleged
tea tastes less like lemon than most electric home appliances. The only way
this substance could be considered a "year-round valentine" is by taking the
meaning of "valentine" as "a heart," which, if left out in the open for a
year, would be encrusted with more...

You’ll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.
Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease more...