Satan Jokes / Recent Jokes

The service was about to start. Everyone was in their pews chatting about their families, jobs, etc. when suddenly Satan appeared in the front of the church.

Panic ensued. In their rush to get out the back doors, people jumped over pews, trampled one another, and flew through the doors at record speeds. When the dust settled the only ones in the auditorium are Satan and one older gentleman, who did not seem at all concerned that Satan was standing directly in front of him.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

To which the older gentleman replied, "Yup. Sure do."

Satan: "Aren't you afraid of me?"

Older gentleman: "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan was quite perturbed at this so he got right in the man's face and asked, "And would you mind telling me why not?" The older gentleman replied, "Been married to your sister for more...

"And God said:' Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"
-- John Wing

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they''ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how''s it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We''ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there''s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You''ve got an engineer? That''s a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I''m keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I''ll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, more...

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the most out of his computer. This had been going on for days and God, was tired of hearing all of the bickering. God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So down they sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused away. They did spreadsheets, they wrote reports, they sent faxes, they sent out e-mail, they sent out e-mail with attachments, they downloaded, they did some genealogy reports, they made cards, they did every known job. But just a few minutes before the two hours were up, a lightening flashed across the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. And of course the electricity went off. Satan was upset. He fumed and fussed and he ranted and raved, all to no avail. The electricity stayed off. But after a bit, the rains stopped and the electricity came back on. Satan screamed, "I lost it all when the power more...

After five years of toil at a Wall Street law firm, an associate was burning the midnight oil at his office. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and a tower of smoke burst from the floor. Satan stepped out of the smoke, and addressed the lawyer:
"I understand you'd give absolutely anything to make partner," said the devil, "So I've come here to make you an offer. I'll make you a partner, but in return I will take the souls of your wife, your parents, your children, your grandchildren, and all of your friends."
The lawyer looked strangely puzzled, and thought hard for several minutes. Finally, he turned to Satan and asked, "What's the catch?"

Jesus and Satan got into an argument over which of them was the better computer programmer. Finally God got tired of the bickering and told them that he would judge a contest between them. They each had four hours to write the best program they could, and then God would decide the winner. Well, they both got right down to business, and wrote lines and lines and lines of code. But just before the four hours were up there was a flash of lightning and a tremendous clap of thunder. The lights flickered, the power faltered, and both computer screens went dead. When power was restored, God declared that time was up and asked to see the results of their work. Jesus flipped on his computer and displayed the most elegant program you could imagine, with beautiful architecture and wonderful syllogisms, triumphs of multimedia sound and pictures -- all kinds of bells and whistles. God asked Satan wha t he had created, but Satan said, "I've got nothing, absolutely nothing. My program was twice more...

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell where he is greeted by Satan. "Welcome, Mr. Gates, I've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. All your life you have been selfish, greedy and a big liar. Since I'm in a good mood, I'll be generous and offer you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Gates to an enormous lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.
Then he takes him to a massive colosseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by hungry lions.
Finally, he takes him to a small room. Inside the room is a gorgeous, young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. Looking around the room Bill spots a PC in the corner and, without hesitation, tells Satan that this is his choice of option.
Accepting his choice, Satan allows Bill to enter the room and then locks the door after him. Turning around, more...