Scotch Jokes / Recent Jokes

I hate some things about this time of year. Not the crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.
You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts... eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.
Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick?
I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.
About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave more...

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced
frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with
their wagging fingers and annual tip on how to get through the holidays
without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a
list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings,
high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on
vegetable sticks, they say.
Good grief.
Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't
think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I
have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow
them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's?
Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, more...

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a doublescotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside hisshirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch.After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket andordered another double scotch.Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all nightlong. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another."The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she startsto look good, then I know it's time to go home."

HOLIDAY RECIPE:
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of Scotch
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of Scotch
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more Scotch's of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 Scotch's of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Scotch another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of Scotchey
Step 13: Bake the Scotch for 4 hours
Step 14: Pour another Scotch of glassey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of Botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch. The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch. The patron takes a sip... same reaction. But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron. Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied. All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:"Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges... he promptly spits it out." That tastes like pee!," he shoots back at the more...

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10, 000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later then you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy more...

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she announces, "Today is my 80th birthday and I'm on the cruise to celebrate."
"Well, since it's your birthday," the bartender says, "the drink's on the house."
As the women finishes her drink, the lady to her right says, "Since it's your birthday, I'd like to buy you a drink, too."
"Thank you," says the old woman. "Bartender, I'll have a scotch and two drops of water."
She no sooner finishes that drink, when the man to her left says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink, I guess I might as well buy you one."
"Why, thank you sir," the old woman says. "Bartender, I'll have a scotch and two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Excuse me, but more...