Screams Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Screams
Three men are discussing their previous night`s lovemaking. Alberto the Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes. "Marcel the Frenchman says, "I smoothed sweet butter on my wife`s body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."
Maurice Cohen says, "I covered my wife`s body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for six hours. "The others say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?" Maurice shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil McNell from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky)." And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night." "Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?" "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

One day a child and his father are on a bike ride down a country lane until the man falls off, and shouts BASTARD as he wimpers in pain and the child asks "Daddy what does bastard mean". The man still wimpering in pain looks around and searches for something and he sees a police car in the distance and says to his son, "Bastard means police man son". Later on when they get home, the man is watching a football match and has just lost a bet on it and shouts "My arse" due to an offside and the child asks his dad, "What does my arse mean dad?" so the man puzzled again looks around and looks at the door and sees the doormat, and says "Doormat son, doormat" later that night, the man is shaving and cuts himself and screams "SHIT!" and the little boy asks what shit means. His father still holding his face feels the shaving cream and says "Shaving cream son, shaving cream," The little boy walks downstairs and his mum has more...

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here verra quietly, playing my bagpipes."

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run.... run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run you bastard, r-run will you!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run you bastard, r-r-run will you!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run you bastard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

A Polish woman goes to the doctor. She tell the doctor that she hurts all over. So the doctor tells her to touch her chest. She does and screams with pain. He tells her to touch her knee. She does, and again screams with pain. He now tells her to touch her arm. And yet again screams from pain. Finally the doctor says, "You have a broken finger."

A man and a woman have just finished shagging when suddenly a bee flies in the bedroom window and zooms straight up the woman's love tunnel.

' Oh God!' she screams.' Help me! There's a bee up my vagina and it's buzzing around in there (albeit rather pleasurably)!'

' Let's go says her mate, I'll rush you straight to hospital!'

On arrival at the emergency room the agitated couple are ushered into a curtained-off area by a male doctor.
' What seems to be the problem?' he asks.

' I've got a frigging bee up my vagina' screams the woman.' Get it out!'

' I see,' says the doctor.'Well, there's only one way to extract this bee. I'm going to have to spread honey on my nob and entice it out.'

The doctor gets out his old fella and dunks it in a jar of honey he just happens to have with him. He then mounts the woman and penetrates her with his sticky sweet love stick.

' Just an inch or two should do it,' he more...