Screwing Jokes

A man and his wife are stranded on a desert island. The wife begins to lose interest in her husband and wishes on a star that she would find another man. The next day a man is washed on shore. He is very nice looking and finds immediate interest in the wife. The husband was very pleased that there was another man to help work.
So they started on building a watchtower. The stranger and wife wanted to have mad passionate sex on the beach. So he tried to think of a plan. SO then the stranger offered to watch first from the watchtower. While the husband and wife worked, the stranger yelled, ''Hey! No screwing! Get back to work!''
At this, the couple yelled back, ''We're not screwing!''
A little while later the man again yelled out to them. And again the couple denied it. This happened several times during his shift up in the watchtower, and when his turn was over, the husband took over. With that, the stranger made love to the wife on the beach. The husband, watching, more...

Farmer Brown had been screwing one of his pigs for 5 years, when all of a sudden he was hit by pangs of conscience.
It bothered him so much that he decided that he just had to tell his priest about it in confession.
The priest was shocked and could only say to Farmer Brown, "Well, was the pig a male or a female?"
"A female, of course," shouted Farmer Brown!. "What do you think I am... some sort of queer!"

One day a little boy went up to his dad and asked him what polotics were. He replied "
lets just say that I am the president, your mom is the congress, the maid is the senate, and your little brother is the future. Put them all together and that's politics."
The little boy still didn't understand, but he went to bed anyway.
That night he found that his little brother crapped in his diaper, so he went to get his parents. When he went into the room, he found that his dad was not there. He went to the couch and saw his dad screwing the maid. The next day, the little boy said to his dad that he understood politics;"
While the President is screwing the Senate, the Congress is unaware and the future is full of shit."
"
Very good,"
replied his father.

The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U.S. is still the Land of the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the Brave!
The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast:
The screwing you'll get is going to be worth the screwing you'll get.
I didn't have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at the bachelor party.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.
The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. more...

Alimony:
1) A contraction of the term "all-his-money".
2) A splitting headache.
3) It's the screwing you get, for the screwing you got.
4) Paying for something you don't get.
5) That's the same as buying corn for somebody else's cow.
6) The high cost of leaving.
7) The last laugh.
8) The wife cries and the judge wipes her tears with the husband's checkbook.
9) Buying oats for a runaway horse.
10) A woman's cash surrender value.
11) The billing minus the cooing.
Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.
Experience: What a man gets in exchange for alimony.
Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.
What is the definition of a faithful husband? One who's alimony checks arrive on time.
He is so rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.