Screwing Jokes / Recent Jokes
Alimony:1) A contraction of the term "all-his-money".2) A splitting headache.3) It's the screwing you get, for the screwing you got.4) Paying for something you don't get.5) That's the same as buying corn for somebody else's cow.6) The high cost of leaving.7) The last laugh.8) The wife cries and the judge wipes her tears with the husband's checkbook.9) Buying oats for a runaway horse.10) A woman's cash surrender value.11) The billing minus the cooing.Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.Experience: What a man gets in exchange for alimony.Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.What is the definition of a faithful husband? One who's alimony checks arrive on time.He is so rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.
A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for
many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes
up on the shore. The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to
each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols
will have to be observed. The husband, oblivious to the
pheremones floating around, is just glad to have someone new to
talk to. "This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three
people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two
people doing 12-hour shifts." The new man is only too happy to
help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift.
He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean
horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing
stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The
new man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!" They look at each other
and yell back: "We're not more...
The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U.S. is still the Land of the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the Brave! The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast:The screwing you'll get is going to be worth the screwing you'll get.I didn't have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at the bachelor party.The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't more...
There is this newly married Chinese couple that decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby. When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.
The husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only one 20 cents coin. He asks the shop owner to sell him one piece of condom and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.
"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."
So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him. While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and more...
A man and his wife have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on shore. The new guy and the wife are very attracted to each other but realize that certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, oblivious to the pheromones floating around, is just glad to have someone new to talk to.
"This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The new man is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift.
He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper.
The new man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
They look at each other and yell back, "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone more...
Q: How many polititians does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: 6
Clinton to start the screwing enitiative,
Nixon to steal public tax money to campain for the support of the light bulb initiative,
Jimmy Carter to bore people to death about the campain
Reagan to reasure the American public that it is necesary and ok to change the light bulb
Bush jr. to make a mess of the initiative...
... and Hillary to come smack the s#%@ out of her husband for screwing around!!!