Second Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two old men met on a street corner. The first old man said, "Where have you been for the past few years?"
The second man replied, "I was in jail."
"What? Why were you in jail?" asked the first man.
The second man said, "Well, I was standing on a corner and this beautiful young woman rushed up with a policeman, pointed to me and said, 'That's the man, Officer. He's the one who raped me'."
"What? And you let her get away with it?" exclaimed the first man.
"Well, I'll tell you, I felt so flattered, I admitted to it," replied the second man.

Doctor Moshe Rabinowicz and his wife Rachel are having a terrible fight at the breakfast table. He gets up in a rage and walks out yelling, "and you are not any good in bed either" as he storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends. He calls Rachel and after at least a dozen rings she answers the phone. Again irritated Moshe says "what took you so long to answer the phone"?
She says, "I was in bed".
"In bed this late in the day, doing what"?
"I was getting a second opinion" she replied.

Calling in Sick.... A Cat Owner's Story Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am more...

Two boys go out on a walk. One looks down and said, "look at those, those are deer tracks my dad told me about them."

The second boy says no those are elk tracks, my dad told me about them.

Then the first boy says, "No those are deer tracks."

The second boy says, "NO those are elk tracks."

One hour later they were run over by a train.

(Forwarded by a mate in the UK)
A mother had three daughters. She asked all three of them to make sure they wrote home after their weddings and tell her about married life.
The first daughter wrote back on the second day after her marriage. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell House Coffee."
Mother was confused but finally noticed an advertisement for Maxwell House Coffee. The advertisement said "Satisfaction to the Last Drop." So, Mother was happy.
Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message simply read "Rothmans."
So the Mother looked for an advertisement for Rothmans. She found one, and it read "KING SIZE." Mother was happy.
Then it was the third daughter's wedding. Mother was anxious because this time it took four weeks for a message to arrive. When it did the message was simply "British Airways."
Mother was concerned. She frantically more...

A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said. In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second." In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third." In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee. "I'll choose this room," he said. Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him. Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads."

Three vampires walk into a bar in Transylvania and sit on the stools. The bartender looks at the first and, in a thick Transylvanian accent, says, "May I halp you?"
The first responds with, "I would like... a blood."
The bartender turns to the second and says, "May I help you?"
The second thinks for a short time and says, "I would like... a blood."
The bartender goes over to the third and, once again, says, "May I help you?"
The third looks at him and says, "I would like... a plasma."
The bartender looks over his shoulder and says to his partner, "Give me two bloods and a blood light."