Second Jokes / Recent Jokes

the water in your kettle is boiling at 373 Kelvin.
you know that the speed of light is 299, 792. 5 km/sec.
you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
you've already calculated how much you earn per second.
you are sure that differential equations are a very useful tool.
you are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
you know the size of the elctron, but don't know your own shirt size.
when you break a vase you blame the second law of thermodynamics.
you try to explain entropy to strangers at your table during casual dinner conversation.
you avoid stirring your coffee because you don't want to increase the entropy of the universe.
your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
you're at a wine tasting event and find yourself paying more attention to the cork screws than the Chardonnay.
you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected more...

One day two men walked into the bar. Both men were exactly alike, a clone you could say. They both sat down for the bartender to fix them a drink. The first man sat down, waited on the bartender to fix his drink. When it was given to him he drunk it very fast, left, and had a happy life. The next man sat down, and waited on the bartender to fix his drink. When the drink was given to him he drunk it very slowly, and died right there on the spot. Why did the first man live but the second man die?
Answer: The bartender placed a poison in both of the drinks. The trick is, the poison was in the ice. So, the first man drank the drink so fast that the ice didn't melt, so the poison did not get in his drink. The second man drank the drink way to slow, so the ice had time to melt out into the drink. The poison got into his drink and he died.

two men in a bar on the 28th floor of a building. first guy says to the second," i bet you $100 i can jump out that window and jump back in again a second later, unharmed" the second guy accepts and the first guy does exactly as he said. The second guy is totally shocked (and getting drunk) and he bets another $300 that he cant do it again. Well he does do it again, and the second guy has to pay up. Then the second guy decides that he could do it too, and bets $500 that he could. Laughing, the first man accepts, and the second man jumps out the window, and falls to his death.
Then the bar-tender turns to the first man and says, "gee, you can be a real bastard when your drunk, Superman"

An engineering student is walking on campus one day, when another engineer student rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

"Where did you get such a functional bike?" asked the first.

The second engineer replied: "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, spread her arms wide and said: "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly: "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Three criminals were each sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement for the crimes they commited. Each of them were told they would be permitted to bring one thing into the cells with them.
The first one requested a stack of books. The second one asked for his wife and the third asked for a couple hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they opened up the first criminal's cell. He came out smiling and said, "That was great. I read and studied so hard, I'm bright enough now to be a lawyer."
They then opened the second criminal's cell and he emerged with his wife and four children. "That was the most wonderful time of my life," he said. "My wife and I have never been closer and we have a wonderful family to show for it."
When they opened the third criminal's cell, he staggered out, shaking uncontrollably and stammered, "Anyone have a match?"

Three missionaries are captured by a tribe of cannibals. When
they are brought before the chief, he points to the first
missionary and says
"Do you want Death or do you want Bunda?"
"I don't know what Bunda is but it sounds better than death, I'll
take bunda."
A cheer goes up from the tribe and they proceed to take turns
bending him over a stump and having their way with him, and then
let him go. The next day the chief points to the second
missionary and says,
"Do you want Death or do you want Bunda?"
Not wanting bunda, but wanting death even less, the second
missionary also chooses bunda. With a cheer they take him to the
same stump, and after a few hours, they let him go. The third
day, the chief points to the last missionary, and gives him the
same choice. The third missionary, being more devout than the
others, says
"I'll take Death!"
The loudest cheer more...

Two guys are on duty at a french foreign legion fort. One says to the other one, “See that camel over there? I’ll bet you I can make him jump 30 feet in the air.
The other guy says “No way”.
The first guy walks around to the back of the camel with two bricks, reaches in between the camel’s legs and crashes the bricks together. The camel jumps 30 feet in the air.
A couple of days later the first guy says to the second guy, “I bet you I can make that camel nod his head yes, then shake his head no. ”
The second guy says, “You got me last time, but there’s no way you can make that dumb animal nod his head yes then shake it no. ”
The first guy takes the same two bricks, walks around to the front of the camel, holds up the bricks and says, “Remember what I did last time? ”. (Camel nods). “Want me to do it again? ”