Security Jokes / Recent Jokes

I'd like to raise awareness of a frightening hypothetical in the hopes that something will be done before it comes to pass. Here is a future conversation between myself and airport security, right after a terrorist is caught trying to sneak a bomb on a plane hidden inside his colon.
Security Guard: (snaps on a pair of latex gloves) I'm sorry sir, but you've been selected for a special screening.

Me: (pause) Damn you ass-bomber.

SAN DIEGO (AP) - For four decades, a Carlsbad man used fake resumes, degrees and identities to secure a wife, money and several jobs, including one as a fire chief and an accident investigator.
But Robert Fay Garcia's secrets are finally out. He was sentenced Thursday in San Diego federal court to 18 months in prison and ordered to pay $56,900 in restitution for collecting Social Security benefits using three identities.
He obtained one alias by claiming he was homeless, even though he lived in a mobile home, officials said.
Throughout his life, 70-year-old Garcia has used at least 38 names, posed as a retired Marine colonel and a former prisoner of war in Korea, said Jim Rogers, a special agent with the Office of Inspector General for the Social Security Administration.
"And those are the identities we know about," Rogers said. "He was never really who he said he was."
Garcia's first conviction involving an alias was in 1958 for forgery. In the more...

NEW YORK - Shampoo, cell phones and Starbucks lattes have suddenly become security threats.
"In mid-flight you could go into the toilet, attach the mobile phone to the explosives and, as the plane makes a final approach over a densely populated urban area, you detonate it," said Irish security analyst Tom Clonan.
To which Osama Bin Laden responded, "Could you go over that again Tom Clonan?...and slower this time?", as he feverishly jotted something in his journal.

A man tried to rob a bank. As a disguise, he wore a paper sack over his head. The sack was secured by a rope around his neck.

Only very small peep holes were cut out so he could see. Armed with a shotgun, the robber told the teller to start emptying the tills and he commanded everyone else to drop to the floor or he would start shooting.

Everyone in the bank complied with the armed robber's command.

Then suddenly, as the robber moved closer to the tellers window, he began to wobble and walk erratically. Seconds later, the armed robber fell to the floor. He dropped his shotgun. It appeared that he was not moving, so a security officer picked up the gun and told the robber he was under arrest. It was apparent that there was something wrong with the robber. The security officer and a customer in the bank, with medical experience, tried to remove the mask.

They had difficulty getting the rope untied from around the man's neck and so had to rip more...

Scene: Ajeet ordering his chela to kill the enemy
Ajeet: "Raabert, Isss Haramzaade ko social security pe daal doo. Saale ko
Society jeene nahin degea aur security isse marne nahin degea.

It's certainly a sad sign of the times when international terrorism spoils the Christmas pudding. Security scanners this Christmas season at a major British airport have been fooled by hundreds of Christmas puddings, which they cannot tell from Semtex plastic explosive.
Travelers heading off for the holidays from Manchester airport in northern England had packed the traditional fare in their luggage. But, according to Reuters news reports, the $23 million baggage security system was unable to differentiate between the explosive of choice of the international terrorist and a plum pudding, forcing security officials to examine hundreds of bags.
Airport chiefs insisted that the sophisticated security system was not malfunctioning. "It is designed to detect organic matter, and Christmas puddings have unusual density, which alerts the system," an airport spokesman said.
The story would be amusing were it not such a sad commentary on the state of peace on Earth and more...

Security at London's Heathrow Airport reported that a full body scan of a young woman revealed a tennis ball, as local officials phrased it, "crammed snuggly up her bum."
The woman was released after investigation confirmed she had recently umpired a tennis match featuring Serena Williams.