Security Jokes / Recent Jokes

How come only car keys are the only keys with teeth on both sides?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas?
When something's funny why is it called a "knee-slapper" when you actually slap your thigh?
Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more?
Since a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back?
If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off?
Is sign language the same in languages other than English?
Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? When there is no "o" in number?
Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun to eat a big one?
Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?
Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have more...

Part 4 - (Opearting Systems)
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What kind of operating system is used by a Real Programmer? CP/M? God forbid - CP/M after all, is basically
a toy operating system. Even little old ladies and grade school students can understand and use CP/M.
Unix is a lot more complicated of course - the typical Unix hacker never can remember what the PRINT
command is called this week - but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. People don't
do Serious Work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the world on UUCP-net and write adventure games
and research papers.
No, your Real Programmer uses OS/370. A good programmer can find and understand the description of
IJK305I error (s)he just got in h(er)is JCL manual. A great programmer can write JCL without referring to
the manual at all. A truly outstanding programmer can find bugs burried in a 6 megabyte core dump without
using a hex calculator. (I have more...

Three guys, one Chinese, one French, and one Mexican wanted to watch the Olympics but didn't have any money to buy tickets. The Chinese guy suddenly got an idea and went home to fetch his bicycle. He rode up to the security guard at the gate and yells, "China, bicycling! Hurry, let me in, I'm late!"

The guard, not wanting to jeopardize his job, lets the Chinese guy through. Seeing that this idea worked, the French guy runs home and grabs a long pole and runs back to the security guard and yells, "France, pole vaulting! Let me in, I'm late!"

The security guard lets the French guy through. Seeing how great their ideas were, the Mexican runs home and grabs a chain link fence, wraps the fence around his body and hops up to the security guard and yells, "Mexico, fencing!"

A Safe Bet, Bush Reassures Nation

In a bold move to privatize Social Security, President George W. Bush today put all of the program's funds under the control of former Education Secretary William Bennett, urging Mr. Bennett to "work your magic" on the nation's nest egg.

Recognizing that many retirees are nervous about the privatization of America's retirement system, Mr. Bush reassured them today, stating flatly, "Bill Bennett is a safe bet."

"I have known Bill Bennett for many years," Mr. Bush told reporters. "This is a man who knows when to hold' em and knows when to fold' em."

A beaming Mr. Bennett stood at Mr. Bush's side, the former Education Secretary wearing what he later called "my lucky hat."

He spoke briefly with reporters before boarding a plane for the Venetian casino in Las Vegas, where he said he would begin to implement his "can't lose" investment plan for more...

( this joke only for Sri Lankans)
One day there were two policemen checking vehicles at the Peliyagoda bridge. At about 11. 45 pm a new car came and stopped in front of the policemen. Inside a well built European man. When he was about to speak one of the policeman just passed back of the security hut because he has very very less knowledge in English. Other policeman also in the same boat, but he cannot escape the place because somebody has to be there to face the foreigner.
Foreigner asked policeman about a road and how to go there in English. The policeman knows the road but he cannot explain in English. So he kept quiet. Foreigner asked the policeman in French. Policeman was in silence. Foreigner asked the policeman in German. Policeman was in silence. Foreigner asked the policeman in three or four other languages but could not get the answer from the policeman. So he went away.
The policeman at the back of the security hut was hearing all these things came in front more...

Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: (Gary Hart) This oblique reference to screwing is an obvious attempt to drag my personal life into this campaign. Frankly, I resent it, and the American people resent it.

Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: (Al Gore) As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates are putting forth solutions that moderate Southerners won't cotton to on Super Tuesday. At least I hope not.

Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: (Paul Simon) My media experts tell me I'm foolish for wearing my hair the same way I did in the 50's. But that's what Paul Simon's all about. And I suppose my media experts are gonna say I'm foolish for this, but in all candor, I change my light bulbs the same way I did in the 50's: my wife gets on a ladder and I turn more...

The job security quiz will help judge how long you`ll end up at your current job and what will become of you.

The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you...
A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B. Inform him that you`re planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you`ve finished the level.

There`s a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?
A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who`s been working with you.
B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, more...