Security Jokes / Recent Jokes

Late-breaking news: Federal investigators have revealed that yesterday's
record drop in the stock market was apparently triggered by two
high-school students operating out of a basement somewhere in Western
Pennsylvania. The names of the suspects, both minors, have not been
released. Arrest warrants have allegedly been issued, but the student
hackers apparently have not yet been apprehended. A spokesman for the
FBI refused to comment on the rumor that the two had managed to leave
the country carrying millions of dollars in cash and gold.
Just after the close of stock trading on Monday, the Washington Post
received a call from two individuals who claimed to be the stock market
"hackers." The callers explained that they have been breaking into the
computer systems of major brokerage houses for several months,
"adjusting" the price of various stocks. This was done by telephone,
using a Macintosh personal computer more...

A friend and I stayed at a Chicago hotel while attending a convention. Since we weren't used to the big city, we were overly concerned about security.
The first night we placed a chair against the door and stacked our luggage on it. To complete the barricade, we put the trash can on top. If an intruder tried to break in, we'd be sure to hear him.
Around 1 a.m. there was a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" my friend asked nervously.
"Honey," a woman on the other side yelled, "you left your key in the door."

Kathy and Suzy are having a conversation during their lunch break.



Kathy asks, "So, Suzy, how's your sex life these days?"



Suzy replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."



"Social Security?" Kathy asked quizzically.



"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."

A retired gentlman went into the social security office to apply for social security After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?"he asks.
The woman says,"unbutton your shirt"
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. she says"that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his social security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. she said,"you should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disabilty too."

Two Jewish women were speaking about their sons, each of whom was incarcerated in the state prison.
The first says: "Oy, my son has it so hard. He is locked away in maximum security, he never even speaks to anyone or sees the light of day. He has no exercise and he lives a horrible life."
The second says: "Well, my son is in minimum security. He exercises every day, he spends time in the prison library, takes some classes, and writes home each week.
"Oy," says the first woman, "You must get such naches from your son."

My computer broke down. It crashed and burned! And for my AOL, I really yearned! I tried to stay busy... And keep it off my mind. It was worse than cigarettes, at least butts I can find!! So I went to Wal-Mart, and got on their pc. The cashier in electronics was staring at me. But I didn't care. I had to get on line! Check my mail, and see what buddies I can find. I drew a crowd as I began to cry. I couldn't find the password no matter how hard I tried! I need my AOL!! I got to have my fix!! Go to my favorite places, check out some cool pics. The cashier called Security! I heard her whisper low, "We have ourselves a Psycho here and she has got to go!" Security rushed over. Not long did he stall. Obviously he has never suffered from AOL withdrawal. He slapped cuffs on my wrists and threw me out the door! Then he looked at me and said, "Don't come round here no more!"I feel so embarrassed!! I have sunk so low! To be kicked out of Wal-Mart.... How low can I go? So more...

DEPTARMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY ALERT
We've just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office.
Five of the six have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.
Our agent advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office.
Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
You are obviously not a suspect at this time.