See Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie." As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over." The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "... to live in a ten story luxury mansion." The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion." Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women more...

Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to the other one "Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid... you don't believe? Let me show you." and he called his driver Ah Beng over and said "Ah Beng, here is a 10 dollar note, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes." to which Ah Beng replied, "Yes Sir! right away!" and rushed off to the showroom. The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid." The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." and he called his driver, Ali. "Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home." to which Ali said, "Yes Sir, right away Sir." and ran home. "See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here." Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali, "Eh, you know my boss is sooo stupid. He gave me 10 more...

An elderly spinster called a lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see a lawyer about having a will prepared.

The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The spinster replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was. "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $100, 000 in my savings account at the bank."

The lawyer asked, "How would you like the $100, 000 more...

These are stories from help desks around the country.

At 3: 37 a. m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up.

----------------------------------------

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write' click' and I more...

A large, muscular guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are kissing in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She smiles.
The man then drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!"
Finally, he drops his boxers, and after a quick glance, she grabs her handbag and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.

3. When giving directions, finish with "and it's right down yonder on the left." Confuses the mess out of' em.

4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.

5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell' em "Delta's ready when you are!"

6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy' em!)

8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.

9. Offer to send' em a bottle of fresh air.

10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie-John Michael-Jim Bob.. . you get the idea)

11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever more...

Measuring Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the more...