Sense Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?" St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock more...

The only sense that is common in the long run is the sense of change. We instinctively avoid it.
The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong.
The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who developed it.
The other line always moves faster.
The paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless toilet.
The person not here is the one working on the problem.
The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building.
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

If you type these in from the csh (c shell): in Unix you really do get these responses.

% make love

Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

% got a light?

No match.

% sleep with me

bad character

% man: Why did you get a divorce?

man: Too many arguments.

% make' heads or tails of all this'

Make: Don't know how to make heads or tails of all this. Stop.

% make sense

Make: Don't know how to make sense. Stop.

% make mistake

Make: Don't know how to make mistake. Stop.

% make bottle.open

Make: Don't know how to make bottle.open. Stop.

% (-

(-: Command not found.

25 facts of life1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.6. A penny saved is worthless.7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.9. The one more...

A German Shepherd Dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. ”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price. ”

“But, ” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all. ”

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the more...

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks that this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before more...