Shape Jokes / Recent Jokes
I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.
George Carlin's Reflections on Life: 1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. 2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. 3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape. 4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. 5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. 7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. 8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac? 9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is! 10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. 11. One out of every three more...
I just examined Sophia Loren," said the bug-eyed doctor at the Hollywood film studio.
"And how is she?" his fellow physician wanted to know.
"My only wish is that the whole world should be in such good shape."
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman."What are you doing out here at 2 A. M.?" said the officer."I'm going to a lecture." the man said."And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked."My wife." said the man.
1. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good. 2. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds the demand. 3. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. 4. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. 5. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They both should be changed regularly and for the same reason. 6. It's easier to fight for ones' principles than to live up to them. 7. I don't mind going anywhere as long as it's an interesting path. 8. Anything free is worth what you pay for it. 9. It hurts to be on the cutting edge.10. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.11. I don't get even, I get older.12. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.13. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.14. I am a nutritional overachiever.15. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.16. I am having an out of money experience.17. I am in shape. round is a shape.18. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.19. A day without sunshine is like more...
What women want in a man at age 22:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What women want in a man at age 32:
1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What women want in a man at age 42:
1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of more...