Shape Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.



2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.



3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.



4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.



5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?



6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.



7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?



8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?



9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.



10. I have six locks on my door, all in more...

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?" "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--" "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?" "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--" "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly more...

My son just turned 10 last month and is aware I’d been writing a lot of jokes lately. I read him a couple last night. (Don’t call the Feds; I stuck to G-rated material. The kid still occasionally believes that Dreamworks characters talk when humans aren’t around.) Anyway, tonight I had a feeling he was turning the tables on me and was winding up to try a joke out. I expected knock-knock or something of the caliber of “No soap.... Radio!” Instead he said, “What shape is the hole of a donut?” I took the bait and slowly replied, “I don’t know. What shape is the hole of a donut.” He answered, “O hole.”

He went straight from diapers to R-rated punchlines? Only one person in this family is allowed to write original material. Your mom! Got that?

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I am in shape. Round's a shape!
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.I am in shape. Round's a shape! Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I am in shape. Round's a shape!

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

The Top Signs You're Out of Shape

You've ever torn something just trying to turn off the alarm clock.

People at work only refer to you by saying "Hey fatso!"

You've thrown your back out by carrying a bag of groceries.

Random strangers come up, poke you in the stomach and expect you to giggle.

Your record is 34 Pushups and you could have done more if the Ice Cream Man would have taken plastic.

You get the Christmas gift of Jigglin' To The Oldies.

You cramp up while watching the New York City Marathon.

Watching Rocky 5 is your idea of a workout video.

The sales clerk nicely but firmly pulls you away from the jeans rack and whispers "Its Sansabelt Time, Tubby"