Shit Jokes / Recent Jokes

Here I sit broken hearted tryed to shit but only farted then one day I took the chance tryed to fart but shit my pants

In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, "This is crock of shit, and it stinks." And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell." And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it." And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength." And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong." And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.." And the Vice Presidents went to the President, more...

One day a child and his father are on a bike ride down a country lane until the man falls off, and shouts BASTARD as he wimpers in pain and the child asks "Daddy what does bastard mean". The man still wimpering in pain looks around and searches for something and he sees a police car in the distance and says to his son, "Bastard means police man son". Later on when they get home, the man is watching a football match and has just lost a bet on it and shouts "My arse" due to an offside and the child asks his dad, "What does my arse mean dad?" so the man puzzled again looks around and looks at the door and sees the doormat, and says "Doormat son, doormat" later that night, the man is shaving and cuts himself and screams "SHIT!" and the little boy asks what shit means. His father still holding his face feels the shaving cream and says "Shaving cream son, shaving cream," The little boy walks downstairs and his mum has more...

Santa and his wife, Jeeto, were living in a farm up in the hills. One day, Santa found that the hole under the outhouse is full. He tells Jeeto that he doesn`t know what to do to empty the hole.
Jeeto says, "Why don`t you go ask Banta down the road?"
So, Santa goes down to Banta`s house and asks him, "My outhouse hole is full, and I don`t know what to do to empty it."
Banta tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it`s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the shit all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."
Santa thanks him, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long more...

Whats worse than shit on Olivia Newton Johns face? Cum on Eileen.

there was a man and a women having sex his mom says basterd and his dad says bitch so the kid went up to his dad and asked what dose bitch mean it means lady went up to his mom and asked what dose basterd mean it means gentalmean.so there where having sex agin and his mom says nice dick and his dad says nice tits so the kid went up to his mom and asked what dose dick mean it means coat whent up to his dad and asked what dose tits mean it means hats.his dad was shaving he cut his self he said shit so the kid went up to his dad what dose shit mean it means shaving.his mom was cutting turkey for thanksgiving she cut her self she said fuck so the kid asked her what dose fuck mean it means cutting turkey.so a group of people came in and the boy said hellow basterd and bitches hang up youre dicks and tits my dad is in the bathroom shiting and my mom is in the kitchen fucken the turkey

Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:"Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare." Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:"Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit... Horseshit... Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!"