Shop Jokes / Recent Jokes

An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500.""Why does that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant."Well," replies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits.""How much does the middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant."That one costs $1, 000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts". The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4, 000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"To which the owner replies "To be honest, Ive never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

Cronin goes to a barber shop to get his hair cut. The barber cuts his hair, and after he gets done, as Cronin gets up and is taking out his money, the barber goes over and takes a leak in the corner of the barber shop. The barber finishes and comes back. As Cronin hands him a twenty-dollar bill, he says, "Listen, it's... it's none of my business, but... why would you take a piss in the corner of your barber shop?"The barber says, "Hey, my lease is up in two weeks... do I care?"The barber goes over to the cash register, rings up the haircut, and comes back with Cronin's change. When he comes back, Cronin's standing there taking a shit on the floor. The barber says, "What are you doing?"Cronin says, "Well, fuck, I'm leaving now."

HOW THE AMERICANS WITH DISABILITIES ACT STOLE CHRISTMAS
by Paul Edwards
' Twas a while before Christmas when Santa Claus said,
"Now the ADA's passed, I've a pain in my head.
It used to be easy to hire the elves
Who made all the toys and who stocked all the shelves.
Then the time came when the Congress did say
That I had to be careful about who I pay.
So I went and got Rudolph to pilot my sleigh.
He was racially different, so that was okay.
I used to hire men elves but that had to stop.
I had to let women elves into the shop.
Then Buddhists and Muslims and Croats and Jews
Became part of the mix from which I had to choose.
And just when it seemed I had got used to all
Then the ADA passed and it changed every call.
Before I was forced to hire folks from all nations
But now I am told to make accommodations!
Who understands all that the new law demands?
You must hire consultants! Put more...

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill".
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a
naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house, then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Redmond, WA and is browsing around the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C Monkey, please." The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer saying, "That'll be $5000. 00." The customer pays and walks out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says "That was a very expensive monkey - most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, Y2K compliant, well worth the money." The tourist looks at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10, 000 dollars! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ Monkey; it can manage object-oriented Windows programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful more...

There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment.One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store.He went up to the shop assistant and asked "Could I have a fucketplease?"The assistant asked"Pardon sir?"."Can I have a fucket please?" Replied the man. "Oh you mean a bucket!" The shop assistant replied.The old man said "Yes, that's what I said". So the man paid for hisbucket and went into the antique shop. In the antique shop he went to the cashier and asked -"Can I have a cock please?" The cashier looked very puzzled and asked "Pardon?". The man again asked "Can I have a cock please?" The cashier replied "Oh you mean a clock! - yes certainly sir." So he paid for the clock and walked out of the shop. The next stop was to the bakers. He went to the assistant andasked "Can I have a bum please?" The assistant said "Sorry sir what did you say?". So he more...

This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, "Madam, I don't repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions." She says, "Why all the clocks in the window?" And he says, "And what should I have in my window?"