Shop Jokes / Recent Jokes

Essex girl enters a sex shop and asks for a vibrator,
the man says choose from our range on the wall,
the girls says I'll take that big red one
he says thats the fucking fire extinguisher!!

TRAVELLER'S TALES
 
 
IN THE LOBBY OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ACROSS FROM A RUSSIAN ORTHODOX MONASTERY:
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
  composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
IN A HOTEL IN ATHENS:
 "Visitors are expected to complain at the officebetween the hours of 9 and 11 a. m. daily."
IN A JAPANESE HOTEL:
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
IN A BANGKOK DRY CLEANER'S:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
IN A NORWEGIAN COCKTAIL LOUNGE:
Ladies are requested not to have childrenin the bar.
AT A BUDAPEST ZOO:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have anysuitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
IN THE OFFICE OF A ROMAN DOCTOR:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
IN A CZECHOSLOVAKIAN TOURIST AGENCY:
Take one of our horse-driven citytours. We guarantee no more...

1. Sex Education
"What did you have in school today?" a father asked his teenage son.
"Oh we had lectures on sex!" was the reply.
"Lectures on sex? What did they tell you?" asked the father aghast.
"Well, first there was a priest who told us why we shouldn't, Then a doctor told us how we shouldn't. Finally the principal gave us a talk on where we shouldn't."
2. The modern child
A man wanted to foster a love for music in his children so he bought them a piano.
When he got home he found them contemplating the piano in puzzlement. "How", they asked "do you plug it in?"
3. City boy in Village.
A little boy was in a village, away from the big city for the first time in his life. He was standing on the sidewalk when an old man drove up in a horse and cart and went into a shop. The boy kept gazing in wonder at the horse, an animal he had never seen in his life. When the old man came out more...

This guy wanted a parrot who talked. He asked the pet store manager if there was a bird who was already speaking. The manager directed the guy to a bird by the window. "This bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that would fit most occasions."
The guy bought the bird and took it home.
Next day, the guy was back in the petstore to complain. The bird hadn't said a word.
The pet store manager said, "That's not unusual. Why not buy a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with while here and put it in his cage. That should get him more comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up." The man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.
Two days later the guy showed back up. "Still not talking, huh?" asked the manager. "Well, perhaps a birdbath would do the trick." The credit card was whipped out, the purchase made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath.
And, like clockwork, more...

A blonde walks into a barber shop one day and asks the man if she can get her hair cut. The man says "Well ma'am, I can't cut your hair with those head-phones on. You're going to have to take them off."

She shakes her head vigorously and replies "No, if I take them off, I will die." He put his hands on his hips and ripped them off of her head. She fell to the floor and died. He was extremely surprised and picked up the head-phones.

All he heard was "Breathe in, breathe out, breath in."

Guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours". The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut? The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours" The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes". In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looked up and said... "to your wife"

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I cant find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains. The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls. As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?""Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"