Shopping Jokes / Recent Jokes
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, ”What are you charged with? ”
“Doing my Christmas shopping early”, replied the defendant.
“That’s no offense”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping? ”
“Before the store opened”, countered the prisoner.
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down!
She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where more...
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.1. Combatting Stupidity2. You Too Can Do Housework3. Resistance to Beer4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence13. You, The Weaker Sex14. Reasons To Give Flowers15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without more...
Top 11 Reasons Why Computer Geeks Make Better Husbands
(and Fathers). The following was in the "Celebrations" section of the San Jose Mercury News. Ordinary people enter short
articles stating why their friends or loved ones should
be considered to be extraordinary.
1 Computer geeks require little mirror time (unlike the marketing guy I used to date).
2 You never have to worry about shopping for birthdays or Christmas -- a Computer Literacy gift certificate will do just fine.
3 No need to buy expensive work clothes--a couple pairs of jeans and Dockers will carry your computer geek for about two years.
4 I was the first woman on the block to have my own e-mail address.
5 My shopping list has been on a spreadsheet for about
three years now.
6 Computer geeks never go carousing at bars--just Fry's Electronics.
7 Computer geeks actually know how to program VCRs.
8 The biggest argument at our house: Mac vs PC.
9 more...
This Is A True Story, It Really Happened
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, scumbags !"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males more...
BOY: Since we met, I can't eat or drink... GIRL: Why not? ? BOY: I'm broke. BOY: May I hold your hand?? GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy. GIRL: Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night?? BOY: What time was it?? GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me! BOY: You love me... GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring?? BOY: Sure, what's your phone number?? GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.. BOY: Don't you ever want to improve?? BOY: I love you and I could die for you! GIRL: How soon?? SHARON: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss?? TRACY: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth. Man: You remind me of the sea. Woman: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting? Man: NO, because you make me sick. Wife: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other. Husband: You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth. Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter? more...