Shopping Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man was shopping in a supermarket brought his purchase of two cans of dog food to the checkout counter.
The cashier asked, "Sir, do you have a dog?"
"Yes." replied the man.
"Well, where is it?" asked the cashier.
"I left him home." he answered.
"Sorry," the cashier said, "You can't buy the dog food if I can't see the dog. That's the rules."
The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food to the checkout.
"Do you have a cat?" asked the cashier.
"Yes," he said, "but I left him home."
"Sorry," she said, "If I can't see the cat, I can't sell you the food. That's the rules."
The next day the man walked into the store with a brown paper bag. He walked up to the cashier and said, "Here. Put your hand in here."
The cashier put her hand in and said, "It's soft and warm. What is it?"
The more...

A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find herhusband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was aboutto storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired andbedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roastbeef you had forgotten in refrigerator. She had only some worn sandalson her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discardedbecause they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her asweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because thecolor did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pairof yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. Then whenshe was about to leave the house she paused and asked, "Is thereanything else your wife doesn't use any more?"

"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store."

An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.

"Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.

"Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind."

A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale.""I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found," her friend replied."Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."

121. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.


122. Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A: One's a bunch a cunning runts. ..

123 Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.


124. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.


125. Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.


126. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?
A: The shopping trolley has a mind of its own!


127. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez Canal?
A: One's a busy ditch.


128. Q: What is the difference between a blond and a toilet?
A: A more...

We know martial arts, and if we don't it still looks like we do. If you do a couple of kicks that aren't too pathetic, people will think you are a master. Good deterrent. We speak two languages. We can speak to you AND your parents. In other words, we can pucker up for you and your parents. Note: You must be the same Asian race for this to apply. We can use chopsticks. In Asian restaurants we can split kimchee for you with chopsticks. Try that with a fork and spoon. We can also play table drums for you with chopsticks. How romantic... We like the same music you do, all that new-wave/techno mixed and synthesized stuff. We are all gonna be rich doctors, engineers, and lawyers. That means only one thing for you, "Shopping, Shopping, and more Shopping." Wheee. We can be your geek on the street (We can help you with all your studying b/c we are naturally geniuses). Or we can be your stud in the pub (We can drink a lot and have that squinty eyed, drooping cig, drink in one hand, more...

Everyone: "Dude, I'm in town for the weekend with no plan and no money. Can I stay on your couch?"

Me, if I had any balls: "Go fuck yourself."

Me, because I can’t say "no": "I guess so."

[The next morning...]

Everyone: "So, like, what are you doing today?"

Me, if I had any balls: "Doing what I would have done if you weren't here!"

Me, because I'm a nice person: "Babysitting you-I mean, let's do something?"

Everyone: "Hey, can I use your computer to check my email?"

[The next night...]

Everyone: "So, I called my friend, and he's not around... um... do you think... um... I can stay like another night?"

Me, if I had any balls: "You're a douche and your mama didn't raise you right."

Me: "I guess so."

Everyone: "Thanks, man. Oh, by the way, you're like low on more...