Shoulder Jokes / Recent Jokes
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off... watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the more...
Whose parrot sits on his shoulder shouting "Pieces of four"? Short John Silver!
A nurse dies and goes to heaven. She is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who asks her questions about her life. Over St. Peter's shoulder the nurse spots a man in a white coat sitting on a cloud with a stethoscope around his neck.
"Oh brother!" she cries. "Is that a doctor?"
St Peter glances over his shoulder and says, "No, that's God. He just thinks he's a doctor."
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please,
don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't
realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the
driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my
first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
Three guys were out camping one day. One guy goes out in the woods. A bird call the foobird poops right on his shoulder. He wipes it off, and he dies.
The second man goes out. The bird craps on him. He wipes it off his shoulder and he dies.
The third guy goes out. Seeing what happened to the other two guys he is careful to watch out for the foobird. But the bird does poop on him. He wipes it off, and he dies
Whats the moral of this story?
If the foo shits, wear it.
You know how occasionally you'll have people over, and they won't shut up and they whole visit is getting a little tedious? Or you'll be talking to this incredibly boring person who is too sensitive to tell to go away? Well, here is a solution to that boring-person-who-just-will-not-leave-you-alone.
1. Close your eyes and lean your head on their shoulder. Snort and drool slightly, and when they pause jerk back up and ask, "What did I miss?"
2. Sneeze. Inhale deeply and for a long time then do an extended, "AH-AH-AH-" and finally end in a big, "Achoo!" Aim at the person. Wipe your nose with the palm of your hand then pat them on the shoulder and say, "Don't you just hate allergies?"
3. Stare down at your feet the whole time, then when they seem to be losing steam, look them straight in the eye and say, "You're one of them, but send them this message: I WILL NOT SURRENDER." Then look back down at your feet
4. Interrupt more...
This small Latino man walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer. A big man comes in, taps him on his shoulder, and says, "Youre sitting in my seat!" The same Spanish man ignores him and orders another beer. The man again taps him on his shoulder, and tells him hes sitting in his seat. The same Spanish man gets up, leans over the seat, and says. "I dont see your name on it." He sits down again and orders still another beer. "The man says... I know Karate!" The small Latino man says, "I know JUDO! JU DONT KNOW IF I HAVE A GUN! JU DONT KNOW IF I HAVE A KNIFE!"