Pads Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his head stuck in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the experience would be funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you right up front that he's fine. Getting him out wasn't easy, though, and the process included numerous home remedies, a plumber, two cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case of mistaken identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.

    My husband, Rich, and I had just returned from a vacation in the Cayman Islands, where I had been sick as a dog the whole time, trying to convince myself that if I had to feel lousy, it was better to do it in paradise. We had arrived home at 9 p.m., a day and a half later than we had planned because of airline problems. I still had illness-related vertigo, and because of the flight delays, had not been able to prepare the class I was supposed to teach at 8:40 the next morning. I sat down at my desk to think and around ten more...

    THE DARWIN AWARDS are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
    Runners-up: [AP, Mammoth Lakes] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said.
    Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said.
    Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated that the tower he hit was the one with its pad more...

    To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie
    Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall
    for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed
    was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music."
    However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for the
    entertainment of her "blue hair" audience. Here are the lyrics she
    recited:

    Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails
    and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up with string, These
    are a few of my favorite things.

    Cadillac's, cataracts, hearing aids and glasses, Polident, Fixodent and
    dentures and glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    When the pipes leak,
    When the bones creak,
    When the knees go bad
    I simply remember my more...

    My brother-in-law just recently became a dentist and was issued his
    DEA number, which allowed him to get prescription pads. A friend of his,
    also a new dentist, had the misfortune of losing one of his pads. After
    reporting the pad missing, he received a call from a pharmacist, who
    believed he had found someone using the missing pad. When asked what had
    raised his suspicions, the pharmacist replied that someone had just tried
    to get a prescription filled for "Mofine, 1 pound."

    To commemorate her 69th birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was' My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie' Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:

    (Sing It!)-
    Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
    Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
    Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
    These are a few of my favorite things.
    Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
    Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
    Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
    These are a few of my favorite things.
    When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad,
    I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad.
    Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
    No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
    Bathrobes and heating more...

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